CLEVELAND, OH: After being blown out by Tim Duncan and the San Antonio Spurs in the NBA Finals, team representatives of the Cleveland Cavaliers are scrambling for a plan to regroup and upgrade their team. They have a good starting point with their star, LeBron James, but it will take some inventive measures to improve with a salary cap and low ranking in the draft lottery.
One avenue that team owner Dan Gilbert is contemplating is scouting prolific elementary school basketball teams. “We feel there is a lot of talent in the younger generations, and we want to harvest that talent in order to support LeBron James on the court,” Gilbert stated.
The NBA has put restrictions on drafting players before they have completed at least one year of college, but there is a loophole that the Cavaliers are ready to exploit. The players would be unpaid, and would have the title of “lower tier travel team.” What this means is that the kids would still go to school, and have travel tutors all year when they are away from home. They would receive room and board, almost like a year-round overnight camp. Although these applications would be pricy, it would be cheaper to instigate this policy then to hire one over-the-hill superstar. “The Eastern Conference is so pathetic, this may be the only way to create that push that will get us a championship,” general manager Danny Ferry said.
Because of the low cost of replacing the current roster(besides Lebron, of course) the salary dump would open up other possibilities for Danny Ferry to manipulate contracts. Some possibilities are to coerce such has-beens as Scottie Pippin, Charles Barkley, and Larry Bird out of retirement. “If we had those guys, not only would we have some young blood from elementary schools, but some veterans to help them improve along the way,” Lebron James stated.
The management of the Cleveland Cavaliers is also in the process of hiring a voodoo priestess to resurrect Arnold “Red” Auerbach from the dead to coach the team.