Foxborough, MA: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell today awarded the New England Patriots the Lombardi Trophy for their performance in the first quarter of the season. At a ceremony held in Tom Brady’s jockstrap, Goodell handed the coveted trophy to Pats coach/head videographer, Bill Belichick.
“The New England Patriots symbolize all that is right in the NFL: using technology to gain advantages, hiring malcontent mercenaries away from other teams, and throwing the ball downfield late in games where the outcome has already been decided,” Goodell said while giving wide receiver Randy Moss a non-therapeutic massage.
The Patriots, who currently lead the league in passing touchdowns, scoring defense, and players with a history of suspension for rules violation, were pleased to receive their fourth world championship in six years. During his acceptance speech, owner Bob Craft stated that he intended to put the trophy in the display case above his bed.
When asked by the media why the entire season shouldn’t be played out, Kraft responded, “Listen. We played a quarter of the season and went undefeated. At 4-0, we were on-pace for a perfect season. If you count the fifth game as being equivalent to a quarter of the post-season, we’re Super Bowl champs. Plain and simple. In fact, next season we hope to have things wrapped up by the second game of the preseason.”
However, not all is well in Patriots camp. Star quarterback Brady is petitioning the league to change the quarterback rating system in order to allow him to go beyond the current perfect rating of 158.3, which he feels is too constrictive. “I could achieve a 158.3 rating while on a date with a supermodel with my child in the backseat,” Brady complained from a fashion shoot in Milan.
Likewise, Moss has already demanded that the Patriots restructure his contract to pay him 45% of the collective income of the New England region per year. If they agree to his demands, it will make him the wealthiest individual to have been born in West Virginia, with the second wealthiest being Marge Allgood who runs the A&P in Wheeling.
Injuries are rapidly becoming a concern, too. Teddy Bruschi sustained a concussion when Rodney Harrison nailed him with a celebratory tackle thirty minutes after the ceremony had finished. Harrison protested that forward momentum was to blame, and that he is always being unfairly accused of taking cheap shots. “In my defense, this is only the third or fourth time I’ve done this to a teammate,” he said.
In the meantime, other teams are on the offensive looking to take the crown away from the Patriots. The Indianapolis Colts are asking the league to allow them to put two more eligible receivers on the field. “All we’re looking for is to have seven guys on the field who can catch the ball. Sure, it would only leave us with three offensive linemen, but we’re counting on Peyton Manning’s arm-flapping and hooting to confuse the defense into thinking he’s a species of endangered owl and thus cannot be tackled,” said one Indianapolis official, speaking on the condition of anonymity. (After reviewing the Patriots’ videotape of the conversation, the official was later determined to be Tony Dungy, the head coach.)
The true winners in this story, however, are the football widows who no longer have to tolerate lost Sunday afternoons… and Sunday nights… and Monday nights… and eventually, Thursday nights… to the NFL season.