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The Real Mitchell Report


The report is in, and a line of professional baseball players have been implicated. Do the words of a few jealous has-been trainers kicked to the curb really speak the truth? Of course! If they didn’t, then we wouldn’t be able to write this article.

So we now introduce to you a slice of how we would have handled George Mitchell’s report.

The BALCO Boys

Barry Bonds: Well this was money worth spent. We have Barry Bonds on a list of performance-enhancing drug users! As if his body growing to twice its original size wasn’t evidence enough. Let’s point out the obvious: his head doubled in size. Not metaphorically, his physical head ballooned. Is there any exercise program that makes this happen?


Jason Giambi: This guy looks too scary to allow steroids into his body, not just for his health, but my own. He allegedly has quite a night-life, and I’d hate to be around him with booze and ‘roid rage. It also seems that he probably did it to get a nice contract from the Yankees. Fat lot of good that did them. They haven’t won the World Series since.


Jeremy Giambi: I can only guess that he was trying to follow in his brother’s footsteps. Too bad his road didn’t have any MVPs or talent along the way.


Benito Santiago: This guy looked way too fit for being 75 years old.


Gary Sheffield: This case I could probably question. Aren’t steroids supposed to enhance eye-hand coordination? Then how is it that Sheffield always looks like he’s going to tumble into stands every time he takes a swing?



Brian Roberts: All of a sudden in 2005 no one could get Roberts out. He had Ichiro Suzuki numbers, without the foreshadowing. He says he only tried steroids once or twice? I call B.S.


Roger Clemens: So the legend has been unsealed. I get it, you’re getting old and want a little boost. What I don’t understand is how Clemens could be such a wimp as to need someone else to inject him.


Andy Pettitte: I’m sure if Roger Clemens were to jump off a building, Pettitte would be right behind him.


Jose Canseco: The guy only wrote a book about the subject. No sh*t he took steroids.


Eric Gagne: “Game Over” indeed.


John Rocker: From racial slurs to drug use, this guy sure knows how to get into the spotlight. I’d love to read his book.


Brendan Donnelly: Such an angry old man on the pitching mound. We should have spotted it before.


About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).