The report is in, and a line of professional baseball players have been implicated. Do the words of a few jealous has-been trainers kicked to the curb really speak the truth? Of course! If they didn’t, then we wouldn’t be able to write this article.
So we now introduce to you a slice of how we would have handled George Mitchell’s report.
The BALCO Boys
Barry Bonds: Well this was money worth spent. We have Barry Bonds on a list of performance-enhancing drug users! As if his body growing to twice its original size wasn’t evidence enough. Let’s point out the obvious: his head doubled in size. Not metaphorically, his physical head ballooned. Is there any exercise program that makes this happen?
Jason Giambi: This guy looks too scary to allow steroids into his body, not just for his health, but my own. He allegedly has quite a night-life, and I’d hate to be around him with booze and ‘roid rage. It also seems that he probably did it to get a nice contract from the Yankees. Fat lot of good that did them. They haven’t won the World Series since.
Jeremy Giambi: I can only guess that he was trying to follow in his brother’s footsteps. Too bad his road didn’t have any MVPs or talent along the way.
Benito Santiago: This guy looked way too fit for being 75 years old.
Gary Sheffield: This case I could probably question. Aren’t steroids supposed to enhance eye-hand coordination? Then how is it that Sheffield always looks like he’s going to tumble into stands every time he takes a swing?
Brian Roberts: All of a sudden in 2005 no one could get Roberts out. He had Ichiro Suzuki numbers, without the foreshadowing. He says he only tried steroids once or twice? I call B.S.
Roger Clemens: So the legend has been unsealed. I get it, you’re getting old and want a little boost. What I don’t understand is how Clemens could be such a wimp as to need someone else to inject him.
Andy Pettitte: I’m sure if Roger Clemens were to jump off a building, Pettitte would be right behind him.
Jose Canseco: The guy only wrote a book about the subject. No sh*t he took steroids.
Eric Gagne: “Game Over” indeed.
John Rocker: From racial slurs to drug use, this guy sure knows how to get into the spotlight. I’d love to read his book.
Brendan Donnelly: Such an angry old man on the pitching mound. We should have spotted it before.