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Running Back Steals Bag, Shows Good Hands


Detroit, MI: Today, former Denver Bronco starter/former Detroit Lion starter/current Detroit Lion backup/bitter asshole running back Tatum Bell was caught, on-camera, stealing a bag belonging to newly-signed running back Rudi Johnson.

Tatum_Bell  Johnson, who was signed to provide depth behind rookie Kevin Smith (noted director of such films as Clerks and Jersey Girl), was meeting with Lions CEO Matt Millen. The two were discussing how Johnson could best help the Lions to continue their tradition of losing games and avoiding the playoffs like the plague, and Johnson left his bag outside Millen’s office. Bell stumbled upon the bag, picked it up, and took it to a female acquaintance’s house, asking her to hold it for a while. Said female acquaintance later opened the bag, hoping to snort the entire contents; however, much to her dismay, the bag only contained football gear.

Several hours later, Johnson discovered that his bag was missing (his lack of observational skills has already been noted in blitz-pickup situations).  He and Millen immediately went to Lions security.  Unfortunately, the security cameras were offline at the time of the theft. Instead, the Lions contacted Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, who had installed hidden cameras in the Lions locker room years ago. The Patriots agreed to give the videotape to the Lions in exchange for a 2009 first-round draft pick.

After viewing the tape, the crack security for Detroit was able to deduce the culprit’s identity by noticing the huge number 28 and the name “BELL” written across the back. When confronted, Bell said that he accidentally picked up the bag, believing it belonged to “someone [he]knew.”  When further pressed for details, he admitted that the “someone he knew” was Rudi Johnson.

Bell, who was already on the bubble to make the team, is now likely to be waived by the Lions.  This is excellent news for the Cincinnati Bengals, who have been stocking their roster with career criminals in pursuit of the single-season record for “most playing time by convicted felons.”  Veteran Bengal thug Chris Henry, who was recently re-signed by the team after beating charges of beastiality and criminal neglect of a sports career, seemed unimpressed. He stated to reporters, “That was a real rookie move. Everybody knows that you bribe security before you pull a stunt like that.”

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