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New England Patriots Activate Brady-Bot


Foxborough, MA: The New England Patriots recently made headway in their plans to replace franchise quarterback Tom Brady for the rest of the 2008-09 football season.

brady_bot   Brady, the quarterback who led the Patriots to Super Bowl victories in 2002, 2004, and 2005, and helped the team to an undefeated season in 2007-08 before losing to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, suffered a knee injury in the first half of the first game of the 2008 season against the Kansas City Chiefs and was forced to leave the game. Once it was certain that Brady would require surgery and would be unable to return for the rest of the season, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was forced to place Brady on the injured reserve list for the Patriots, and not just keep him on the “questionable to play” list that he has had Brady on for most of his career.

Initially, the Patriots hopes of making another run at the playoffs and Super Bowl were laid on the shoulders of professional clip-board carrier Matt Cassell. Although Matt Cassell’s football career since graduating high school had been relegated to fetching his coaches coffee, washing towels, and carrying a clip-board of doodles, there was hope that he could still manage a football team, throw a football, and know which direction of the field would lead him to a “touchdown.”

“It was weird. I actually put on my helmet backwards the first time I ran out on the field after they carted off Tom. Who would have known there was so much to remember when you’re a quarterback,” stated Matt Cassell.

As Bill Belichick realized that his team was not performing quite so well with Cassell under center, he instigated a think tank with Patriots owner Bob Kraft in order to find a true replacement for Brady. After weeks of research and testing, New England finally had their answer: Brady-Bot 3.

“I had an idea of wheeling Tom out onto the field in a wheelchair, and have Laurence Maroney cart him around in the pocket as he attempted to throw the ball. I figured our offensive line could hold up defenses enough to try this. Fortunately, one of our assistants had knowledge of robotics from when he was in MIT, so we created a robotic replica of Tom Brady. We were able to download plays and names into its memory, as well as perfect its arm strength and ball-handling skills for the quarterback position,” Belichick stated.

The Brady-Bot was not perfect in the beginning. Brady-Bot 1’s head exploded in a simulated game where Belichick asked the android to audible the passing play three times, and Brady-Bot 2 ran to New York City to pick up super-models when activated, and never returned.

Brady-Bot 3 was improved by expanding the RAM in its brain and designing it without a robotic penis. Its physical traits and football wits seemed in exact rhythm with Tom Brady’s statistics from the 2006-07 season. Unfortunately, programmers were unable to replicate Brady’s attributes from last year’s record-setting season.

“Well, they tried to get that robot in sync with what happened last year. But for that to happen, it has to throw me the ball. Then we’ll set some new records,” stated wide receiver loud-mouth Randy Moss.

Currently, the Patriots organization is researching what rules an android quarterback may be stretching, in order to find loop-holes or figure out what constitutes “plausible deniability.”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).