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Josh McDaniels Complains that Jay Cutler Hasn’t Returned Texts


Denver, CO: The battle of wills has entered into its third week in regards to Jay Cutler’s stand-off with newly appointed Broncos head coach, Josh McDaniels.

josh_mcdaniels   The circumstances began when Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler caught wind that McDaniels was feeling out a possible trade that would send Cutler out of Denver, and bring in McDaniels’ closeted lover, Matt Cassel, from the New England Patriots.

“Yes, I wanted Cassel to follow me to Denver. If it wasn’t for his miraculous hoisting of the Tom Brady mantle last season, I would have never gotten the head coaching position,” McDaniels stated.

The Denver quarterback, who threw for over 4,000 yards with 25 touchdowns and 18 interceptions last season, was hurt by the idea that he wasn’t considered the second coming of John Elway. “Trade me? Are you serious? Did the 49ers of the 90s consider trading Joe Montana? Psh…,” stated Jay Cutler.

After numerous attempts to reconcile, each of which entailed Coach McDaniels staring at his desk and cleaning his fingernails while Cutler pouted, it was surprising when Cutler officially asked the management of the Denver Broncos to trade him.

“I don’t get it. I thought those meetings went really well. Very Belichickian of me, I might add. I heard Jay out, and told him, ‘Stop b*tching like a little pansy, and get ready for mini-camp.’ How could I possibly spell it out more clearly to him that he’s my quarterback, and he has my full respect?” McDaniels stated.

Since the trade request, Josh McDaniels said that he has tried to contact Cutler numerous times in order to try to mend the rift between them once and for all. “The ball is in his court now. I’ve sent text messages to his phone, most of which ended in “I <3 Yr Skillz ;-).” I’ve sent LOL Cats to at least twenty of Jay’s MySpace pages. He’s got quite a few of them. I Tweeted him. I even went as far as to SuperPoke him on Facebook with a little sheep in a #6 Broncos uniform. I have yet to hear back from him.”

When asked why he didn’t just call, McDaniels answered, “I don’t want him to hear me cry.”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).