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LeBron James Summons Kazaam to Defeat Magic


Cleveland, OH: Both spectators and players at Quicken Loans Arena were treated to a surprise last night during Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Orlando Magic. In the midst of LeBron James’ recurring acts of throwing and clapping baby powder everywhere before a game, a genie appeared and helped lead the Cavs to a 112-102 victory over the Magic.

lebron_james_powder   “The baby powder cascade has become a trademark of LeBron for some time, but this is the first time anything ever became out it,” stated Cleveland coach Mike Brown. “Besides the usual jeers from opponents and their fans.”

Before even the tip-off in the first period, LeBron James clapped his baby powder just off-court, summoning a magic genie who called himself Kazaam. Oddly enough, this Kazaam looked exactly like Shaquille O’Neal, the basketball superstar who portrayed him in the 1996 movie of the same name.

“I had no idea what was going on, ” stated LeBron. “All of a sudden Shaq is standing in front of me in some crazy-ass clown outfit, telling me I have three wishes.”

When asked what exactly he wished for, LeBron answered, “A little help from my team, of course. We had to win, or go home. In my case, win or go play for the New York Knicks.”

Help he did receive, as the Cleveland Cavaliers ran out of the gate with a 35-18 first quarter. Although LeBron James did complete triple-double stats(double digits in points, rebounds, and assists), he did not score his normal 40+ points thanks to teamwork, and a giant bald genie.

The cause of the genie, it seems, comes from the source of the Johnson & Johnson baby powder LeBron uses.

“About five days after the movie Kazaam was released on video, there were global incidents of spontaneous combustion. Almost every single copy happened to be doused in gasoline and set on fire, usually in the vicinity of a community of people,” explained a former employee of Johnson & Johnson. “In order to contain the ashes of the atrocious videos, for the sake of the film-watching community, sanitation specialists from Michigan were sent out to collect all of these ashes. Due to some red-tape dodging, Johnson & Johnson bought the ashes to help mix their baby powder.”

Mystic nutcase Aurora Dreamcatcher explained the genie manifestation. “Obviously this is a case of social conjuration. All of that negative energy against the film Kazaam needed an equal positive force to nullify it, or else the universe would have collapsed. That positive force became a genie that looks like Shaquille O’Neal.”

After the game, LeBron James was quick to act, making sure that the rest of the powder bottle was not tossed away. “Hey, we have two more games, and as the genie said, two more wishes, baby! Yeah!”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).