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U.S. Open Golf Winner Concedes Title


Bethpage, NY: The 2009 U.S Open became a topic of discussion yesterday when champion Lucas Glover conceded the title to a fellow golfer.

It became obvious that the concession was unavoidable as countless fans in attendance at the Bethpage Black Golf Course began to riot due to “unfair circumstances” in relation to their favorite golfer.

weber_us_openThe golfer in question, of course, was young Australian Matt Jones.

Jones began the championship week in the practice rounds, and never left them with a real course score. Much like the stoic #1, Tiger Woods, and rock-star Phil Mickelson, Matt Jones had an undeniably large following as he tramped through the golf course last Wednesday. Some attribute the following due to his golfing prowess and regard for the crowd. Others claimed he had a really, really hot girlfriend walking the course with him. The woman in question is Miss Idaho 2009, Melissa Weber.

“I remember stopping to watch this Jones guy hit off a tee. All of a sudden, there’s this brunette in a Daisy Dukes shorts, a tube-top, and thigh-high boots tromping out to the fairway with him,” stated Long Islander Anthony Scarletta. “I immediately followed after them. You don’t see that in golf everyday.”

As Jones and Weber continued through the course, more and more golf fans began to follow. When Jones had finally completed his round, he had shot a 117. The crowd applauded his amazing score.

“Can you imagine having the strength to wake up in the morning and play a round of golf after sleeping with a woman like that? The guy’s a world-class champion,” stated U.S. Open winner Lucas Glover.

The next day, citing a sore back due to “way too much sex last night,” Matt Jones pulled himself out of contention, much to his fans’ dismay.

“I bought these tickets for $100 each, and you’re telling me I can’t even get a glimpse of Miss Idaho?” questioned an anonymous fan at the gate of Bethpage Black.

Due to the extraordinary circumstances of Matt Jones’ play at Bethpage, it was believed he should be crowned the winner regardless of the outcome.

“To be honest, I was going to concede the trophy to Melissa Weber herself, but (USGA president) Jim Vernon mumbled something about there being a ladies champion,” explained Glover. “So I conceded to Matt instead. That kid deserves all the respect in the world.”

Jones and Weber were unavailable to be presented with the trophy, due to a “medical examination.”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).