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The Tiger Woods Holiday Special

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Windermere, FL: The plot thickens in the Tiger Woods fender bender that occurred early Friday morning of last week.

It is well known that, at around 2:30am last Friday morning, Tiger Woods crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant and a tree at 30 miles an hour while trying to leave his driveway. He was brought to the hospital, treated for minor injuries including lacerations to his face, and then released. Local authorities have labeled this as a case of reckless driving, and were proceeding as such.

tiger_holiday   However, new allegations have emerged that are almost unbelievable:

  1. that Tiger Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, followed Tiger out of their home with one of his golf clubs in hand. After the crash, Elin used the club to smash a window in and drag her husband to safety before he was sprayed with water from the hydrant, instead of using the club to beat her husband to a bloody pulp like she had intended.
  2. that Tiger Woods has been involved in domestic violence. Apparently, his wife has a nasty right hook, and may have caused the need for Tiger to require knee surgery.
  3. that Tiger Woods may have had an affair..or two, or three.
  4. that one of these affairs involved Amy Winehouse after a drinking binge preceding the last round of the British Open this year.
  5. that Tiger Woods was heard exclaiming, “You ruined Thanksgiving! Are you happy now!?” before entering his Cadillac Escalade and backing into said tree and fire hydrant.

These allegations have made the general public wonder which of them are true and which of them are merely rumor and exaggeration. Due to some deep digging by the staff at The Inept Owl, we have confirmed that all of these allegations are both true, and false.

How can this be? Simple: this was all filmed for Tiger Woods’ first holiday special, You’ve Ruined Thanksgiving, and Canceled Christmas.

This holiday story was meant to span both Thanksgiving and Christmas in a three part series on FOX, and then be released on DVD in time for Christmas. The story chronicles Tiger Woods as he and his wife learn the true meaning of Christmas, and what it means to be a family.

The summary is as follows: Tiger Woods, playing himself, finally gets caught up in the whirlwind of celebridom and goes on a drinking and cocaine binge with guest star Amy Winehouse before the last tee off at the 2009 British Open. A few months later, Woods’ wife Elin learns of the affair, and chases him out of the house with his own nine-iron. An emotionally hurt Tiger Woods hops in his car and, screaming “You’ve ruined Thanksgiving!”, proceeds to drive his car into a tree and falls into a deep coma.

In the coma, Tiger becomes a claymation figure, and meets Jordan the Elf, who teaches Tiger how to keep a family together for the holidays while still getting “holiday trimmings” on the side. Other guest stars that help Tiger along the way include Hugh Grant as the Charlie-In-The-Box, Ron Jeremy as The Bumble, OJ Simpson as the Ghost of Christmas Future, and a talking hamster as Santa Claus.

Tiger awakens from his coma on Christmas Eve, and attempts to save his marriage and Christmas in a race against time, with his dream helpers giving him more guidance along the way.

This break in news supports not only what was seen in the Woods’ driveway by neighbors(which would be the climax of the first episode of the trilogy), but also the secrecy. Due to marketing strategy, FOX had called for a gag order on any mention of the surprise holiday special, and only allowed the gag order to be removed when Tiger Woods’ character was in jeopardy.

Now, we can only hope You’ve Ruined Thanksgiving, and Canceled Christmas can finish filming in time.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).