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USA Wins Gold in Obnoxiousness


Vancouver, BC: With a flip of a wrist and the finale of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver, it came as no surprise to see who endured the past two weeks in order to be awarded the very last gold medal in Canada.

usa_olympians   Obviously, it had to be the United States. This nation alone, like so many years before, had won the gold medal in obnoxiousness, the prestigious gold medal awarded before the closing ceremonies. Germany was following close behind, but failed to overtake the Americans.

Contrary to popular American belief, the province that Vancouver hails from, British Columbia, is not another US territory like Puerto Rico or Thailand. It is actually part of a large land mass, with only fifty percent ice tundra, called Canada. This mistake was the first of many that Americans made on their way to the prestigious gold medal, as it took quite a few days to realize that they were not hosting this winter’s Olympic Games.

“I thought it was weird when the border patrols were dressed in these weird red uniforms, like what I imagined the British looking like in 1776,” explained local American Robert Robertson. “I just figured the northern part of the US was weird like that. You know, to go with the weird Fargo-like accents.”

What Mr. Robertson had mistaken as a re-enactment of the War for Independence was actually Canada’s most prestigious police force, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or Mounties for short due to their high boots, horses, and being the only police force that can climb steep rocky mountains with ease.

However, it wasn’t just culture-shock that helped the USA to victory. Like with so many other sports, the United States was able to engage other countries in sports that the rival country lives for, like bobsledding, nordic combines, and curling. Not only did they engage, but most of the time, the United States beat them.

“There’s really nothing better than beating a country that’s pretty much on a mountain at a sport like skiing,” stated USA olympic coach Charlie Walker. “It’s one of the bigger, good old American fuck you statements that makes us the clear winner of this last gold medal.”

Apparently, that was not the final piece of the USA’s victory. Ever since the US men’s hockey team defeated Team Canada in the hockey preliminaries, no American could shut up about it, even those that aren’t quite sure what hockey is.

“They use big, flipper-bats or something in that sport, right?” asked red-blooded American Stacey Cranford. “Oh, that’s cricket? Whatever that is… GO USA!”

In fact, American hockey viewership rose to over 13.5 million viewers for the Olympics, in comparison to the annual 20,000 NHL game viewers in the United States. In case there is any question, NHL stands for National Hockey League, a professional hockey league which is, for the most part, in the United States with a few national teams hailing from Canada, which confuses the issue even more.

“It’s not that we really like hockey,” explained local Tennessee native Marshall Smith. “It’s that we love seeing America piss all over another country’s national past-time. There’s never a prouder moment to be an American when you can say, ‘Lookit that, we’re better than you at something more than blowing things up.’ Especially when it’s sticking it to Canadians.”

Even though the United States ultimately lost the hockey gold to Canada, it was a landslide victory for obnoxiousness, with the only other country close being Germany, thanks to their odd color coordination choice of hot pink and baby blue for athletes.

Unfortunately, the IOC did not have the budget to award gold medals to every American in Vancouver, and settled on handing the medals to three guys who seemed to be “the epitome of American brashness”, as stated by IOC president Jacques Rogge.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).