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Stanley Cup Finals Marred by Drowning Players


Philadelphia, PA: The world was shocked last night when two allegedly professional hockey clubs, the Philadelphia Flyers and the Chicago Blackhawks, drowned during Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals.

hockey_drowning   The incident occurred in the final minutes of the third period. While specifics of the case have not been made public, it appears that Hugo Bonatella, assistant to the Director of Maintenance at the Wachovia Center, left the door of one of the loading docks open, prompting the ice of the rink to melt.

“I didn’t think it would be such a big deal,” claimed Mr. Bonatella. “It was such a warm night, and I was sick of being stuck in this ice box. I just wanted to get some warm air circulating back here.”

Circulate it did. Due to the delicate environment that the sport of hockey needs in order to keep players comfortable and conditions safe, the circulated warm air reacted with the strictly controlled air conditioning of the Wachovia Center, bringing the temperature up 0.001° Fahrenheit(or 0.0006 Celsius if you are Canadian). This sudden rise in temperature forced the computerized air conditioning system to shift power from the generators used to keep the ice rink at freezing to general air conditioning, prompting the rink to melt during play.

“It was pretty scary,” stated surviving referee Charles DuBlough. “As a native Canadian and hockey referee for twenty years, I know my way around ice. But melted ice fluid? We don’t stand a chance. Luckily, I was wardening the penalty box at the time.”

The melted ice fluid Mr. DuBlough was referring to was actually water, something hockey players rarely come across. Because of the amount of players that come from places that are closer to the north polar regions, few ever learned how to swim due to the incredibly frigid temperatures.

The incident has set off yet another global wave of annoyance at the schedule of the NHL, as non-fans continue to be perplexed as to how the season of a winter sport could continue on into June.

“If they played hockey when there’s supposed to be ice, you know, in the winter, these drownings would happen a hell of a lot less frequently,” exclaimed hockey non-enthusiast Blake Jennings. “No other sport takes seven months to play 20 regular season games, just hockey. No wonder the fans keep leaving.”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).