Akron, OH: For the past month, LeBron James has been circling the United States, searching for that one team that would woo him to their city where they could make a real connection. This comes as no surprise to professional basketball fans and personnel, since it is a well known fact that even some pee-wee basketball teams have offered King James max contracts. Money is not the problem in these free agent dealings.
The reality of the situation is that LeBron James has been researching teams to see what sort of exposure he would gain by playing for, say, the New York Knicks, or how good a team would be playing around him, which would put the L.A. Clippers out of contention.
“I’ve been measuring the pros and cons for each team, and keeping on top of the meetings I’ve had with team representatives. And getting incessant calls from Jay-Z and Amar’e Stoudemire,” explained LeBron. “I’ve got timelines of the next 5 years of my life, based on my team choices, laid out on my assistants’ desks. This is not a decision I am making lightly.”
Lebron James is taking this decision so seriously, in fact, that he has agreed to terms with sports television station ESPN to creat an hour-long special at 9:00pm Eastern Time. While it is unknown what LeBron’s decision may be, the structure of the special has been confirmed: a rehashed, hour-long version of The Love Connection.
The special, hosted by long-time dating show host Chuck Woolery, will follow the courtship of LeBron and his many “meetings” with representatives of the Chicago Bulls, New York Knicks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Miami Heat, and even the L.A. Clippers.
“We felt that, to really give the audience a behind the scenes look at how free agency signings work in the NBA, we had to show fans the tireless work involved in contract dealings and personnel additions that can help entice a player, but not screw up the salary cap,” explained ESPN correspondent Mike Wilbon. “So, to keep it simple, we made the special a….dating game? What the f*ck?”
While LeBron James has yet to make a formal decision, there have been clip leaks of the show leading up to Thursday night.
Chuck Woolery spoke with LeBron about each date he had with a team president, while said president was live on-screen, to keep in step with the rigorious integrity that The Love Connection had always strived for.
One of the more entertaining segments showed an angry Donnie Walsh storming away from his screen when LeBron mentioned that New Jersey Nets representatives played Jay-Z’s entire new album on repeat during their lunch, while Mr. Walsh merely accompanied LeBron in a two-hour cab ride around Madison Square Garden while Donnie talked about how great the whole city is.
In another segment, L.A. Clippers general manager Neil Olshey cried for fifteen minutes when LeBron told him he had a lot of heart, and if things were different, they could be together.
“I hope that, when all is said and done, I find the team that truly loves me for me,” stated LeBron. “And I think ESPN is sending me and the lucky team general manager on a couples’ retreat in Fiji. So that’ll be cool, too.”