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Yankees Boss Steinbrenner Buys Out Heaven, Hell

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After-Life, 5th Dimension: When someone passes on from this life, they usually use it as a chance to take a break; to stretch out and relax, or enjoy a hot, dry sauna. Not so for George M. Steinbrenner III.

For more than 37 years, the principal owner of the New York Yankees had taken an “also-ran” baseball team and resurrected it into the power-house sports franchise it is today. Love or hate him and his team, it was a success story for the ages. Now, merely a week after suffering a heart attack and passing on in St. Joseph’s Hospital in Tampa, Florida, The Boss has taken his business tactics up high ,and low, to shape up the after-life.

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   “All it is up here is a bunch of lazy bums hanging out on clouds: just like half of the All-Star players I’ve hired over the years. They get to the top of their game, and give up trying to excel. I wasn’t having that. I started trading some of these pansies down below to get some can-do talent up here, people who appreciate the chance to be in heaven,” Mr. Steinbrenner explained through a seance.

This idea is a continuation of the multiple second chances The Boss had always given players down on their luck, such as Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden, and Luis Sojo. “Some of those guys down there have been stewing on their past for 100, 200 million years!” exclaimed Mr. Steinbrenner. “Why not catch some of that resurgence flame after all that time?”

The changes didn’t stop there. Both God and The Devil had mixed feelings about what Steinbrenner was doing to the after-life.

“I didn’t necessarily disagree with his motives, but, you know, I wish he would have asked,” stated God after the first day’s changes.

When told of God’s misgivings about his trade dealing, Mr. Steinbrenner promptly bought God out of heaven for 240 million souls, which he had collected from rival teams during his tenure as the Yankees owner.

In less than a week, Mr Steinbrenner accomplished more than God had in the first half of The Old Testament. His most notable actions were:

  • Restructuring the soul-chute to allow heaven and hell-bound souls to share chutes up to a certain point, saving after-life inhabitants millions of years in purgatory.
  • Giving A.J. Burnett stigmata of the hands after another lousy start.
  • Replacing Heaven’s Gates protector Saint Peter with Billy Martin, only to fire and re-hire him 3 more times.
  • Using mind control to make sure everyone in baseball thought fondly of him after his passing.

There is speculation that once Derek Jeter dies, he will replace Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit has already been fired and replaced with Bob Sheppard.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).