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Canada Pisses Off Everyone in Olympics Opening


Vancouver, BC: One of the least controversial countries on the globe, Canada, plays host to the 2010 Winter Olympics for the next week and a half. Surprisingly, the country has yet to breathe a sign of collective relief, as they have managed to annoy both country-folk and international visitors alike.

olympics_vancouver   The problems began as certain leaders of Inuit tribes took offense to the symbol of the Winter Olympics, a modified “inukshuk”, which pays homage only to tribes of the Arctic Circle. “This abomination is merely an imitation of man, as it has head, arms, and legs. Every nature-fearing person knowledgeable about inuksuit knows that man has none of these limbs,” stated local aboriginal spokesman Patrick Irnique.

As if this wasn’t confusing enough for non-Canadians, the entire opening ceremony in Vancouver was based on historical references to Canada, which few, both Canadians and non-Canadians, have any sort of knowledge about.

“It hasn’t been too long since I had a class in Global Studies, but I do know that Canada had maybe five pages dedicated to its history,” stated United States snowboarder Shaun White.

Few people in the audience, if any, understood the symbolism of having the multiple aboriginal tribes of Canada show the world their culture. “I thought Woodstock was in New York,” exclaimed Bryan Matterson. “That show was beyond me.”

Still all this could have been forgiven, if not for the most alarming part of the ceremony: Bryan Adams.

“I’ve given Canada the benefit of the doubt for years, but allowing Bryan Adams back on a musical stage violates at least four United Nations treaties. I would rather have seen the North Koreans dressed in jackets sporting nuclear missiles than to have witnessed the atrocity that is Bryan Adams. Even a combined effort by Nelly Fortado and Celine Dion couldn’t have covered up that abomination,” stated former British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper tried console the globe after the ceremonies. “It was meant to be a bit ironic, but, as you all know, Canadian humor is a bit beyond many peoples’ understanding, eh? We did try to enlist the help of the actors from The Kids In the Hall, but they never returned our calls. We did our best with our second choice, Howie Mandel.”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).