Boston, MA: The prestigious quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, was involved in a car accident earlier today on his way to practice, leading to an uproar of cheers from fans of the other 31 NFL teams, and betting lines skyrocketing to favor the Cincinnati Bengals by 45 points.
Those cheers quickly turned to cries of anguish, however, as police reports stated that Tom Brady was fazed, but unhurt.
Initial reports state that a mini-van, driven by one Ludgero Rodrigues, failed to stop at a red light, causing the crash. Conspiracy theories that Mr. Rodrigues knew that Tom Brady was in the black Audi that he collided with were nullified, as testimony with family concluded that Mr. Rodrigues was, in fact, a soccer fan, and had no vested interest in the happening of American football.
Six Boston fire trucks, two helicopters, and ten squad cars arrived at the scene of the accident to check on Brady. After fierce deliberation and testing of the quarterback’s motor skills for several hours, the units then proceeded to enlist the Jaws of Life to save Mr. Rodrigues.
“I would have just towed his body to the junk-yard along with his damn cah, if I had my way,” stated Officer Liam MacGilly. “I mean, this is TOM BRADY we’re talking about. But we’ll be taking measures to make sure this never happens again by giving Tom a motorcade whenever he leaves his house.”
Even people uninterested in football were alarmed. “Is Tom allright? Because I’ve been hoping to get a shot at Gisele Bundchen for years,” asked editor-in-chief of The Inept Owl, Patrick Emmel. “Wait, was Gisele in the car!? Is she OK!?”
While it seems that everyone involved in the accident was uninjured, except for Mr. Rodrigues who was eventually taken to the hospital, an investigation is still underway. One of the passengers of the mini-van, who requested to remain anonymous, stated that their car was actually nudged into the intersection by an unknown Mercedes-Benz SUV. “We did stop, but then this car behind us rammed into the back of our van and launched us into the intersection,” stated the anonymous passenger. “I even got a picture[shown in article].
An investigation is underway to see who would want to initiate a car accident involving Tom Brady. Speculative analysis points to other contending teams’ players and coaches, which show motive, but, considering all teams were practicing in their respective towns, show little possibility to enable.
Another questionable motive lies with the state of Tom Brady’s contract negotiations with the New England Patriots. “Countless times, I’ve heard Bob Kraft and Bill Belichick say, ‘Not one fucking player here is bigger than the team.’ It makes one wonder how far they would go to test that theory,” stated sports beat-writer Dan Blaylock.
An unconscious Mr. Rodrigues declined to comment on the situation.