Tampa, FL: The fearful back-end of the New York Yankees’ pitching rotation is no secret to baseball fans. While the Yanks may be touting CC Sabathia as the next Roger Clemens, Phil Hughes as the next Tim Lincecum, and AJ Burnett as the next Tonya Harding, the 4th and 5th spots are scary, at best. Presently, Freddy Garcia, Mark Prior, Jamie Moyer, and the legendary Whitey Ford are in contention against one of the top prospects for the job: Bartolo “Jefe” Colon.
After eating for 3 years straight, Colon has finally decided to try pitching in the majors again, and, so far, it has paid off. After giving his feeding arm a rest and having 5 artists paint him in pinstripes, the hefty 37 year old right-hander has been striking hitters out and making it on and off the pitching mound with out having a heart attack, causing many critics to agree that he may be in the best, as well as fattest, shape of his life.
“I feel good,” stated Colon through an interpreter. “Maybe a little hungrier after games, but that’s o-k. I work off the calories pitching.”
The Yankees management is also feeling good, after retirement and hip replacements sent some of their star veterans packing these past two seasons. However, there is a slight problem with adding Bartolo Colon to the Yankees roster, thanks to the ever meddling commissioner Bud Selig, who stated that any team who signs Colon would need to clear at least one other roster spot for him, or more depending on his weight.
“At the moment, I’m estimating that Colon weighs about 425 pounds, easy,” stated Bud Selig. “I don’t want to be difficult, but that is the weight of two grown men. For all I know, he’s hiding Craig Counsell in there. I have no other choice than to count him as at least 2 ballplayers.”
Oddly enough, Yankees management is not putting up a fight. “It’s a matter of safety,” stated Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “If Bartolo was treated like one ballplayer, the team bus would tip over if he moved his arm. Planes would start un-ending barrel rolls. A lot of planning goes into team travelling, and we need to make sure weight guidelines are upheld.”
Update: During his interview with Sports Jeer, Bartolo Colon gained another 53 pounds, bringing his mandatory roster space to 3.