Boston, MA: This past week marked the beginning of baseball season. This also marks the time of the year where umpires leave their respective homes to once again hope to catch the limelight, and have at least three people remember their names before the season is over.
“Whenever these two teams get together, the game of baseball becomes even more unbearable than normal,” stated West. “The average baseball game runs 3 hours and 18 minutes, which is probably 2 hours too long as it is. Yankees/Red Sox games average out to 3 hours and 40 minutes. Who has that kind of patience!?”
West’s criticism isn’t just his own. In a poll at ESPN’s website, 22% of people can’t stand Yankees/Red Sox games, 30% enjoy the extra game-play, and 48% don’t bother watching baseball no matter what team it is.
“We have a hard enough time as it is keeping people awake when they watch baseball,” commented MLB commissioner Bud Selig. “We don’t need one of the most storied rivalries in baseball history extending their games. Chances are, the most we’ll see are angry looks between pitchers and batters, and maybe Don Zimmer rolling around on the ground. But those events are few and far between.”
“I know from experience how those games operate,” stated Dodgers manager Joe Torre. “Unlike the rest of the teams in baseball, these two don’t give up if they’re losing in the 8th inning. They both also have fantastic hitters, meaning more runs, meaning extended innings.”
Another complaint is the amount of times the Yankees and Red Sox slow the game down by having batters step out of the batter’s box, or pitcher-catcher conferences. We caught up with Derek Jeter and David Ortiz, and asked them about these game-crawling tactics.
“I don’t know why you have to grill us on game procedure. Maybe if other teams had the composure we have, they may have a championship or two tucked under their belts these past twenty years,” answered Ortiz. “Our two teams make up almost half of the World Series Champions this decade. What does that tell you?”
“Yeah, kiss the rings, bitch,” added Jeter, holding up his right hand with a newly added thumb-ring.