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Randy Moss Negotiates Contracts With 28 NFL Teams


San Francisco, CA: In an agreement unheard of in the National Football League, professional wide receiver and loudmouth Randy Moss has come to contract terms with every NFL team he has yet to play for this season. While specific games are in question, it is Moss’ intention to play out the remainder of the 2010 season with every team except the San Francisco 49ers, Minnesota Vikings, Oakland Raiders, and the New England Patriots.

moss_circus“It was a tough decision. Everyone who’s never had to deal with me on their team wants me. It’s no surprise, since I’m that talented,” explained Moss. “I figured, why not let them all have me?”

While many sports pundits believe this would be impossible, Moss’ agent, Joel Segal, says otherwise.

“A player of Randy’s talent and character can do almost anything. We mapped out the rest of the NFL schedule, and if Randy plays for 2 teams in the same game each Sunday, he’ll be able to play for 18 teams. Then he can play for both teams on the Monday Night games, and two teams on Thanksgiving. Not to mention any other Thursday or Saturday games on the schedule,” explained Segal. “He may even be able to play two games for some of these teams if he feels like it.”

When asked if he could handle learning 30 more playbooks and staying on the field throughout each game, Moss responded, “Look who you’re talking to. I’m Randy-fucking-Moss!”

“I know it seems like a horrible tactic, but I’m willing to try just about anything right now,” stated Buffalo Bills coach Chan Gailey. “Besides, what does he really have to learn? We’ll have him run fly routes all day and have Ryan[Fitzpatrick] air it out.”

While most players are annoyed at Moss’ lone wolf tactics, since he would be playing for and against their team in each game, none are more vocal about their annoyance than Terrell Owens and Chad Ocho-Cinco. “I’m already getting less catches than I’d like lining up with Chad. Now I gotta have another receiver taking away glory? This sucks,” stated Owens.

“Who knows? If all goes well the rest of the season, maybe I’ll do the same thing next year. I’ll even give the CFL a shot,” said Randy Moss.

When NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was asked if he would allow Moss’ plan to go forward, he repeatedly banged his head against the podium until reporters left the press conference.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).