Follow Our Updates!
  • Facebook
  • RSS Feed for Posts
  • Twitter

Athletes Score Big Helmets, Less Women


New York, NY: The evolution of the professional athlete has been awkward, at best, throughout the ages. In Greco-Roman times, if you were up against 5 lions and a band of heavily armed mercenaries, you were lucky to get a head-band made of leaves for your own protection. Those were real men, men deserving of the praise and admiration of the public, and the women that came with those things(that is, if they survived long enough to be released from their enslavement.)

manning_helmetThe evolutionary process of the professional athlete later gave them protection in order to last longer: gloves; helmets; a stick or two; later on, freedom, and maybe even some cash; NIKE endorsements; Kim Kardashian. Some say this may have been too much.

The latest craze of professional athletes to be critiqued are “big helmets.” These protective devices can be seen on athletes that usually suffer an above-average injury and resort to exceptional means in order to be sure the injury is not repeated. Whereas a normal athlete from the past may suffer 5 concussions at the same time and still get back on the field for the next play (i.e. Steve Young and Troy Aikman), today’s athletes take a couple games off to regain their composure, and come back with a really big helmet.

“Those things are ridiculous,” commented local nerd Trent Glockman. “And this is from a guy who wore a spinal straightener and arch-adjusting shoes all through high school. These athletes are fucking pussies!”

GreatGazooEli Manning of the New York Giants seems to be at the forefront of the criticism, partially because football is deemed one of the more violent sports, but largely because he most resembles The Great Gazoo, a space alien featured on The Flintstones.

“If he were on the New York Jets, the resemblance would truly be uncanny,” explained fashion expert Kristin Willets. “The helmet dimensions are perfect, and the green shades would fully complement the color of the Jets uniform.”

Others aren’t so sure. “Gazoo? Looks more like Dark Helmet from Spaceballs to me. Kind of looks just as stupid as Rick Moranis, too,” claimed local New Yorker Brian Plutz.

“I wish Eli was like Gazoo. Maybe he could float around and send off a few more deep balls,” added New York Giants fanatic Joe Sully.

The criticism doesn’t stop at football, although it does seem to circle around the greater Metro New York area. Both David Wright of baseball’s New York Mets and Francisco Cervelli of baseball’s New York Yankees both feature huge noggin-protectors, and have been dismissed by women because of it. Fortunately for Eli Manning, he is already married.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).