Raleigh, NC: The USGA (United States Golf Association) and R&A (Royal & Ancient Golf Club of St. Andrews) recently placed a ban on the practice of anchor putting in the Rules of Golf this week. The stroke used to allow for a player to place the club on a part of their body for support, usually the belly or chest, in order to calm down the putting motion, nerves, and look like a total pussy on the golf course.
Players themselves had been split in their lobbying for and against the rule. Golf greats such as Arnold Palmer, Toger Woods, and Rory McElroy have been vocal in support of the ban, while a bunch of unknowns and Ernie Els have lobbied against the ban.
“The belly putter is one of the few pieces of golf equipment that still caters to fat golfers,” stated amateur golfer Henry Frumpner. “What’s next, taking our carts away and making us walk?”
The ban on anchor putting is set to be exercised in 2016, giving many belly-putting pros time to learn how to putt for real again.
However, one man, Donald Kingsley, has already begun the process of re-education in Raleigh, North Carolina. While playing a mini golf course with his daughter Tanya, age 8, and his son Bryan, age 5, Kingsley began penalizing his children for anchor-putting.
“Golf is meant to be fun, and what’s more fun than learning all the rules to the game and how not to break them?” stated Kingsley. “Some kids get a free ride on the mini golf course, not keeping score, dropping balls in the cup with their hands, peeing in the shark mouth hole. Not my kids. They’re going to enjoy golf like the rest of us: kicking and screaming and smashing our clubs to pieces in fits of rage. Now that’s golf!”
In their first round of 18 holes, Kingsley proceeded to penalize his children one stroke if any anchor putt was attempted, followed by a quick poke with the butt of his club into whatever body part was anchoring theirs. Kingsley was then routinely arrested during their second round, as other parents called authorities on him for child abuse. Kingsley was heard screaming, “You’ll thank me when you turn pro!” to his children while he was led away.
Tanya commented, “I don’t like golf. It hurts. I think I’ll try to be a singer like my Mom wants me to.”
When Bryan was asked to comment, he proceeded to blow raspberries at reporters before kicking his golf ball.