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Patriots Gronkowski Has Chance to Take Tim Tebow’s Virginity


What Tim Tebow Tebowing for Gronkowski would look like.

Foxborough, MA: Rob Gronkowski, tight end for the New England Patriots, made another huge step toward both proving that he didn’t have sex with porn star Bibi Jones, and coming fully out of the closet.

Last yea at the University of Rhode Island, where Gronkowski played a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” on-stage with the subjects Betty White, Rex Ryan, and Tim Tebow. While we don’t know if Gronkowski would kill Betty White and marry Rex Ryan, we do know one thing: Gronkowski “would ‘F’ Tebow, to take his virginity,” which he was more than willing to tell the audience. Unfortunately, he blew his load on that answer(metaphorically), and the rest of the answers were not caught.

Such an answer could be considered a lighthearted joke for a college campus, however the speed in which he arrived at his answer, mixed in with Gronk’s recent history of questionably straight behavior, makes it seem as though Rob Gronkowski may truly be gay.

That questionable behavior began when a picture of him shirtless was found on Twitter with porn star Bibi Jones wearing his jersey.

“The Bibi Jones incident stamped Gronkowski’s personal life, for better or worse,” explained bro consultant Mark Rehman. “He obviously denied any sort of sexual encounters with Jones, but fans had that “yeah, right, she’s not even wearing panties” mentality.”


The next incident involved Gronk wearing a ridiculous Patriots hat during a Super Bowl XLVI press conference. “The hat thing could have easily been shelved as Rob Gronkowski trying to be funny, but when you add it to other incidents, this fashion statement becomes a little, to be non-PC about it, gayer,” explained Rehman.

One of those other incidents happened during the Super Bowl XLVI after-party, where Gronkowski chose dancing over the health of his ankle.



“Once again, an innocent activity where Gronkowski pushes the limits of a straight man,” explained Rehman. “Dancing is fine, but when you start taking off other guys’ shirts(2:58 on the video), you have to wonder what Gronk’s intentions really were.”

Other critics, however, still believe Rob Gronkowski is straight. “I think the real question is where Rex Ryan fit into this game of ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ “, stated Patriots fan Andrew Kessler. “I mean, if Gronk said he would kill Ryan, this gay issue would be nonexistent. If he said he’d marry Rex Ryan, with Ryan being a poster-boy for bears, then I think it may be time to come out of the closet.”

Now Gronkowski will have a change to put him money where his mouth is, as Tim Tebow is expected to sign with the New England Patriots.

As of this article, Tim Tebow still allegedly has his virginity intact.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).