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Tiger Woods Injury Not Due to Lindsey Vonn, Masturbation

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tigerwoods_wrist

Is this Tiger Woods in pain, or masturbating on the golf course? The jury is still out.

Ardmore, PA: The U.S. Open of golf was rife with controversy this weekend, as professional golfer and ladies man Tiger Woods made headlines with a wrist injury Thursday evening.

The wrist became a focal issue for reporters and analysts when Woods began shaking his left hand incessantly after shots, particularly after bad shots. It was anyone’s guess as to how woods sustained the injury, but the first idea seemed to have to do with Lindsey Vonn, the new regular woman in Tiger Woods’ life.

“You have to understand the mentality of a sex addict to understand why Ms. Vonn became the rumored culprit,” stated Prof. Marcus Holdwell, direction of Sexually Deviant Research (SDR). “When a sex addict has an altercation with a sexual partner that leads to the retraction of sexual activity, the immediate response, if there is no one else in the vicinity, is to relieve oneself through masturbation.”

When Prof. Holdwell was told that Tiger Woods was right-handed and the injury was sustained to the left wrist, Holdwell explained, “That’s even more proof towards the masturbation hypothesis. Some sexually active males change to their less dominant hand so that it feels different than a normal session of masturbation. Another trick is to sit on said hand until it becomes numb, which is also a likely way that Woods had sustained the injury.”

However, sources say that Tiger Woods could not have sustained the injury during the first round, unless a bathroom break had lead to more than just urinal release. The pain had also subsided Friday morning, which leads one to believe that Tiger Woods has at least stopped masturbating for the rest of the tournament.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).