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Potential Hulk-Out Prompts CytoSport to Pull Hernandez Endorsement


North Attleborough, MA: Police officers converged on the mansion of New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez this past Saturday afternoon, spending nearly four hours on the property before dispersing. No, this time they did not want the star NFL player’s autograph.

This weekend’s visit by the police was prompted by the discovery of the body of Odin Lloyd, the boyfriend of Hernandez’s fiancee’s sister, in an industrial park less than a mile from Hernandez’ home last Monday. Surveillance video places Lloyd in the company of Hernandez hours before his apparent death.

Hernandez’ role in the death of Lloyd is under investigation, due to the video, the presumption that Hernandez destroyed is home surveillance equipment and cell-phone, and the fact that he suspiciously hired a maid service to clean his home after a weekend of hosting large, drunken football players.

aaron_hernandezWhat is most telling in this investigation is that CytoSport, the makers of Muscle Milk, have pulled Hernandez’ endorsement contract of their product due to the investigation.

“It’s a matter of reference,” stated Dr. Marcus Polian. “We’re in the midst of multiple PED witch-hunts in professional sports. If Hernandez is implicated in the death of Odin Lloyd, Muscle Milk could be suspect in the way the product sparks an adrenaline rush. All of a sudden you have a public relations nightmare with mild-mannered people turning into the Hulk after drinking Muscle Milk. The lawsuits could cripple the company.”

No arrest warrant has been officially issued for Hernandez for obstruction of justice or any other charge. Sources say that law enforcement officials have studied Hernandez’ touchdown dance in Super Bowl XLVI in 2012 and have come to the conclusion that Hernandez could certainly dig a hole where a body could be covered up.



“Considering how long he shovels in a touchdown dance, I’m sure if he had killed Lloyd he would have spent more time digging, to make sure the body couldn’t be found,” stated landscaper/gravedigger Randall Fowler. “Or maybe he thought burying Lloyd in a shallow grave would make it rain money. That’s up to the law to figure out.”

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).