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Scotland Secedes from UK. British Wimbledon Champion Drought Continues


London, UK: It took 77 years for the British to have a Wimbledon champion to call their own. After #2-seeded Andy Murray defeated the top-ranked Novak Djokovic in three strait sets to take the gentleman’s singles tennis trophy at Great Britain’s Grand Slam event, it was believed that this drought had come to an end.

andy_murray_wimbledonUnfortunately, Andy Murray’s dominant performance on grass kick-started some residents of Scotland to declare their region’s secession from the rest of Great Britain.

“We shan’t been very good at much these last 300 years or so,” stated Scottish loudmouth Daniel McTaggerty. “Whenever one of us got good at something, the Brits would declare him or her their own, and call the lot of us a bunch of dumb Scots. Well, that ends today. Andy Murray is Scottish. Bollocks to the rest of yeh, ya wankers.”

“The British really have done this type of thing for centuries,” stated historian Clive Mendelson. “British colonization never had to do with gathering territories and resources. It was about gathering up talented people so that Britain could say they invented hockey instead of Canadians, or that they invented the formula for ‘pi’ since they took over India. Now it continues, since they placed their British label on Andy Murray to make themselves feel better.”

“This nationality issue with Andy wouldn’t even be an issue if that louse Tim Henman had done his bloody job in the last two decades,” stated drunken Englishman Tad Wellington. “You think I want to toast a champion with a glass of scotch instead of a Pimm’s Cup on a summer day, innit?”

Andy Murray was not available for comment, as he was on his way to his training base in Miami, Forida, adding more fuel to the nationality fire.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).