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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Tennessee Titans Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

tennessee_titans2013

Team: Tennessee Titans

Record: 6-10. It’s one of those records that screams, “also ran.” It’s the record of a team that was just good enough to give their fans hope for the playoffs, even if that hope rested on 5 teams being hit by a kidney stone epidemic that had them out for the last few weeks of the season so that the Titans could mathematically stumble into the playoffs.

To be fair, they did have one of the tougher schedules in the league, even while playing the Jacksonville Jaguars twice (and losing one of those games).

The Good: Even after spending three weeks behind such immobile quarterbacks as Ryan Fitzpatrick for total rush yards last year, Chris Johnson was still able to accumulate 1,243 yards in the 2012 season. When I say “behind such immobile quarterbacks as Ryan Fitzpatrick,” I mean behind as in stats. It’s purely coincidental that Fitzpatrick’s beard took a trip down the Appalachian trail from Buffalo to Nashville this past off-season.

After using the 2013 draft to select mostly O-liners and a defense, it’s safe to say that the Titans will run the ball again, and again, and again, to make sure that they got what they paid for in Chris Johnson, since they don’t have any other offensive weapons available.

The Bad: Everyone not named Chris Johnson. He’s been doing it with nothing, no receivers, no quarterback, no fullback, and he’ll continue to do it with nothing. Rookie wide receiver Justin Hunter seems ready to become the wideout position’s answer to JaMarcus Russell.

rusty_smith

Rusty Smith, complaining about something he has no right to complain about.

The Ugly: Current 3rd-string quarterback Rusty-fucking-Smith. If there was ever going to be a better depiction of the Tennessee backwoods other than finding Kerry Collins in a moonshine still, it’s Rusty Smith. Peyton Manning’s forehead has NOTHING on him. Neither do giraffes.

And he’s from Jacksonville, Florida? You couldn’t make up a better story if you were making a movie that combines Deliverance with Necessary Roughness. This is the guy who was supposed to lead the Titans to victory when Vince Young was injured, and answered the bell by accumulating 200 yards and 4 interceptions in 2 games. It was enough for head coach and official NFL moustache Jeff Fisher to swallow his pride and finish off the rest of the season with Kerry Collins.

The Fans: I hold the belief that there aren’t any real Titans fans. Titans fans these days are:

  1. Former Houston Oilers fans that had man-crushes on Jeff Fisher’s moustache and followed him to Tennessee.
  2. Atlanta Falcons fans that had enough after the Super Bowl loss in 1998.
  3. Displaced northern yankees who feel the urge to root for a local team, since season tickets cost two bales of hay and a chicken.

Fun Fact: Chris Johnson had less rushing yards than his quarterback (Jake Locker, aka nothing like RG3 or Cam Newton) for the first 3 games of the 2012 season, causing fantasy football players worldwide that “at least got Chris Johnson” to commit harakiri.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).