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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Seattle Seahawks Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

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Team: Seattle Seahawks

Record: 11-5, thanks in part to the replacement refs that couldn’t figure out which side was the offense and which side was the defense for the first few weeks of the 2012 season. If you mention anything about the Hail Mary pass from Russell Wilson to Golden Tate against the Green Bay Packers that was, somehow, confirmed as a touchdown, Seahawks fans will merely cover their ears, close their eyes, and sing Death Cab for Cutie songs as loud as they can.

To be fair, that horrible play didn’t change anything for the Seahawks as far as standings. If they lost that game, they still would have gone to the playoffs ahead of the Bears. Not so for the Packers. If the Packers won that game, they might have ended up with home-field advantage ahead of the 49ers, beaten the Falcons, and Aaron Rodgers would have ended up with another Super Bowl ring. Well, fuck the Packers.

The Good: Almost everyone is back except for Matt Flynn, who continues to try to prove his one amazing game with the Green Bay Packers wasn’t due to defensive apathy by going to Oakland.

The defense is as stout as ever. Marshawn Lynch is ready to break the hearts of Bills fans for another year. Russell Wilson is ready to crash another RG3 party. Pete Carroll has evolved hugging into its own sideline sport. And The Postal Service released some B-side tracks after 10 years.

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The Bad: If Russell Wilson is injured, the 12th Man at CenturyLink Field will have a hard time surviving when they see Brady Quinn under center. Brady Quinn’s latest accomplishment was making sure that the Kansas City Chiefs could waste their #1 draft pick for 2013 with Eric Fisher, an offensive lineman.

If Quinn doesn’t get the job done, the job will be passed to Tavaris Jackson…again.

harvin_seahawksThe Ugly: The stout defense of the Seahawks may be decimated as the season continues. I don’t expect widespread injuries as much as widespread suspension due to PEDs. Defensive end Bruce Irvin is the latest to sit out the first 4 games.

If that isn’t ugly enough, The Seattle Seahawks gave the Minnesota Vikings 3 draft picks, including their 1st round pick last April, to have the honor of paying Percy Harvin $25.5 million to get a hip replacement and be all but useless for them this year.

The Fans: Seahawks fans are the best fans in the NFL. Their team has no national draw, so traveling around as a Seahawks fan is akin to being Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes. No hope for support, ever.

If that wasn’t enough, the city of Seattle tried to really test Seahawks fans by taking away their domed stadium, the KingDome. Seattle receives the most rainfall of any city in November, peak time for the NFL season. It’s amazing that Matt Hasselbeck was able to throw the ball at all in weather like that.

And let’s not forget the shitty colors that were burned back in the 80s, and only resurfaced when shitty music resurfaced (see dub-step). Nothing says, “I love my team” like wearing neon green and going out in public. I salute you, Seahawks fans.

Fun Fact: Head coach Pete Carroll only places second in the record for most hugs by a football team official, college and professional. The record is currently held by Jerry Sandusky.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).