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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: New York Jets Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

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Team: New York Jets

Record: 6-10. Considering how much the Jets are crucified in the media on a daily basis, you’d think that they went 1-15 against the CFL. Even Trent Dilfer laughs at the Jets. That’s like Anthony Weiner laughing at nude pictures of Betty White surfacing thanks to the paparazzi. It’s just plain mean.

 

 

I’m not saying the Jets are better than they look. They’re not. They are The Bad News Bears of the NFL right now, and not as that misunderstood underdog that you really want to pull through and prove all the haters wrong. They are the reason we watch The Bad News Bears in the first place: ridiculous blooper montages.

Still, through all of the ridiculously awful playing, the Jets managed a 6-10 record. Sure, they beat the Arizona Cardinals 6-7. Sure, they lost to the Dolphins 30-9, but almost all of their losses early in the season came against tremendous teams: New England (x2), San Francisco, Seattle, Houston. They may have laid down the last few weeks in their losses to Tennessee, San Diego, and Buffalo, but by that point they were trying to figure out what they could do in the 2013 Draft.

This season, however, looks like a painful hemorrhoid of 4-12 season. When a game against Tampa Bay is scary, you know that your chances in the Clowneystakes aren’t that bad. Which sucks, because the Jets really need some offensive players.

The Good: Place-kicker Nick Folk looks pretty damn dependable in kicking a field goal without causing a turnover. Granted, it’s not “good” overall for a team when your kicker is probably going to have more points than the rest of the team combined, but desperate times call for desperate analyses.

Although the Jets traded away their best player, cornerback Darrelle Revis, the Jets defense looks formidable, especially since head coach Rex Ryan has demoted himself to defensive coordinator in order show teams he can still rally a defense. You know, in case someone is hiring next year.

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It is also considered a positive that Fireman Ed has retired, because nothing says, “We’re seriously serious, you guys” like having a drunken gremlin from Noo Joisey in a green-and-white fireman’s hat screaming “J-E-T-S” and waving his hat in a circle to create a tornado. I don’t know about you, but “jets” and “cyclones” don’t end well for jets. Maybe he was so drunk he kept forgetting that he wasn’t at a Brooklyn Cyclones game.

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Who brings their unofficial mascot to practice? The fucking Jets.

The Bad: Mark Sanchez is fighting for his job as starting quarterback for the second year in a row. He miraculously beat out Tim Tebow last year, and promptly led the offense to gain less yards than Tebow had led the Broncos to in the 2011 season. Tim Tebow, whose throws are more wobbly and off the mark than a punt by Lt. Dan.

Now Sanchez attempts to fend off 2nd round draft pick Geno Smith using a West Coast offense with a receiving corp whose best, healthy player is still Antonio Cromartie, their cornerback.

The Ugly: As far as a running back to keep defenses from blitzing every play, the Jets signed Chris Ivory to play injured bench-warmer and Mike Goodson to scout jail cells for talent. This leaves them with Bilal Powell to strike fear in the hearts of opposing linebackers. Suffice to say, I’ll be drafting free agent Michael Turner in my fantasy football league before Powell.

Oh, good news everyone! The Jets just signed Kahlil Bell again, who had a fantastic season last season with the Jets ,catching a 2 yard pass before promptly fumbling the ball. If he doesn’t work out, this candidate can probably fumble as good as any of them.

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You can also be sure that “The Butt-Fumble” still hasn’t gone away, and it will probably never go away. It will merely evolve into a long-running joke, like Ryan Leaf, Scott “Wide Right” Norwood, Dippin Dots, and Abe Vigoda.

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The Fans: Jets fans can be split up into 2 different types of people:

  1. Drunken “Yo Tony” meatheads who scream, “THIS IS OUR YEAR” before every season and proceed to drink themselves into oblivion because what they don’t remember won’t hurt them.
  2. Jets fans that are forced to spend more time apologizing for the above fans than actually rooting for their team.

No one born after 1969 is a Jets fan by choice. A normal Jets fan is born into this self-loathing fan-base with the hope that, one day, the Jets will win a Super Bowl in their lifetime. When that happens, the sun will become black, every mountain will move out of place, the stars of heaven will all fall to the earth, and a 50-foot tall Rodney Dangerfield will rise from the sea and bring upon the end of days.

What’s even worse is that it is almost impossible to talk shit to a Jets fan. Any reference you may attempt about how bad the Jets are will be eclipsed by the target with a 20 minute monologue called, “Fuck Me, I’m a Jets Fan.”

Fun Fact: While studying fantasy football mock drafts, I noticed that the NY Jets kicker, Nick Folk, was being drafted behind injured Tampa Bay kicker Connor Barth and a free agent, Jason Hanson, who’s probably only kicking soccer balls to his kids. This means that people believe that the Jets’ offense can’t even get into FIELD GOAL RANGE.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).