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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Oakland Raiders Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Oakland Raiders

Record: 4-12. The only reasons the Raiders had 4 wins was because they played the Kansas City Chiefs twice and the Jacksonville Jaguars once.

One of those games against Kansas City relied on 5 field goals in a 15-0 game. Do the math. 5 x 3 = 15. The Raiders avoided the end zone like people avoid the bus in Oakland, probably because the end zone is the closest to their insane fans.



The Good: It looks like quarterback Matt Flynn is going to get a chance to prove that his 6 touchdown game with the Packers in 2011 wasn’t a fluke, even if it was against the Detroit Lions. It should be considered “good” for Flynn, but not really “good” for the Raiders as a whole. Flynn is competing for the starting position against Terrelle Pryor ( 3rd round of the 2011 supplemental draft), Tyler Wilson (4th round of the 2013 draft), and Matthew McGloin (undrafted free agent in 2013). If you feel bad not knowing who most of these guys are, don’t. Even if you’re a Raiders fan.

Another positive is that the Raiders annual Pro Bowl delegate, place-kicker Sebastian Janikowski, is back for his 15th season and 2nd photo-shoot to show off his pasty ass. Oh, and Charles Woodson has come back from Green Bay to make peace with his maker before he retires, like so many players before him.

A positive by loss is that Darrius Heyward-Bey will not be back this season. He will be dropping passes for the Indianapolis Colts this year.


The Bad: I’ll give you $10 if you can answer the question, “Who is going to lead the Raiders to Super Bowl XLVIII?” with a straight face. Our “good” list is mostly considered good by default, because the rest of the team sucks. This is almost the same team where Carson Palmer threw for 351 yards against the Cleveland Browns, and they STILL lost. Downgrade quarterback? Check. Downgrade a receiving corp that could barely catch a ball last year? Check. Still expects to get a new stadium? Check.


Later, bitches.

The Ugly: Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum. It sounds like an island penitentiary, like Riker’s Island, Quantico, or Alcatraz. It probably is. Coliseum is the only sporting arena left that hosts both baseball games (Oakland Athletics) and football games (Oakland Raiders). What could possibly say, “We don’t give a shit about our football team” better than seeing a baseball diamond in a field shot from the blimp during a football game. They don’t even bother putting end-zone paint to proudly display “OAKLAND” and “RAIDERS” half the time.

It would make some sort of sense if the Oakland A’s were, you know, good, but they’ve only managed to win one playoff series in the last 20 years.

As if things couldn’t be more insane, the Raiders actually have the balls to put out this same, shitty team for 10 years, with only 2 seasons of going 8-8, and ask the city of Oakland to foot most of the the bill for a new stadium that they could call their own.

The Fans: I can’t remember the last time I heard about a Raiders home game that didn’t feature a shoot or stabbing at some point during game day. It’s as if Raiders games doubles as field trips for convicts. Just let ’em loose in the parking lot and have the cattle prods charged by the end of the game.

Sure, some Raiders fans may seem cool, especially if they’re sporting Darth Vader or Stormtrooper gear, but those fans wear Star Wars character armor for the protection, not for fun.

Fun Fact: Tony Sparano is the Raiders’ new offensive line coach. That means that he has been demoted twice in three years after being the head coach of the Miami Dolphins in 2011 and the offensive coordinator of the NY Jets in 2012. At this rate, he’ll be demoted to water-boy for the Jacksonville Jaguars by 2014.


About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).