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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Atlanta Falcons Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Atlanta Falcons

Record: 13-3. NFC Conference Championship against the Super Bowl XLVII losing 49ers. SO FUCKING CLOSE! The Falcons haven’t been this close in 8 years when they lost to the Eagles in 2004, who also lost the Super Bowl. So it goes with the Falcons. They’re good enough to race but, at the end of the day, just aren’t good enough to beat this year’s best losers.

What makes other teams’ fans hate the Falcons so much is that the Falcons will go on a good run, lose somewhere along the way, make themselves even better in the off-season, and still end up losing the next year. This year they replaced Michael Turner with Steven Jackson. To be honest, I wouldn’t have known who to pick before the other in fantasy football last year. They’re both that fucking good, and the Falcons get to choose, thereby taking a player that another team may actually need in order to lose in the playoffs again. The football gods have a cruel sense of humor.

The Good: When you have Matt Ryan throwing to Julio Jones and Roddy White to spread the field, Tony Gonzalez muscling into the end-zone, and Steven Jackson in the backfield in case the defense pulls its linebackers and defensive ends into coverage, things are pretty damn good. Which means the Falcons will probably lose in the Super Bowl this year.

The Bad: Of course, so much firepower on offense means that fans gets excited when broken-down players like Osi Umenyiora join the defense and try to be legitimate. Hey, it could happen. The Saints won a Super Bowl against Peyton Manning by lining up a pile of tackling dummies as a defensive line.


The Ugly: After losing to the Bengals 34-10 in the preseason, head coach Mike Smith mentioned this as a positive:

“I thought Matt Bosher did an outstanding job punting the football even though we didn’t cover as well as we would like. His hang times were outstanding. (Bosher had a hang-time of 4.7 seconds on his second punt of the game.) I think he’s going to continue to be a weapon for us punting the football.”

via The Atlanta Journal-Constitution

When your coach talks about your punter as a game highlight, there’s a problem.

chris_millerThe Fans: For some reason, my cousin is a Falcons fan. Her insanity for this team was so intense, I became a fan of Chris Miller without seeing him play a single game. I thought he was Hall of Fame-bound until I actually saw him in the Red Gun offense.

This helps explain the sad story of Falcons fans. When their team sucks, they put their players on pedestals, as if they’ve already won 4 Super Bowls in a row. When their team is awesome, all fans can say is, “We didn’t win a championship this year. Meh. Sell the team.”

Fun Fact: The Falcons are fighting for a new stadium just south of the Georgia Dome. All they need to do is pave over a church. It sounds like the beginning of a Disney movie, with Arthur Blank playing the part of Captain Hook in Peter Pan, or Ursula in The Little Mermaid. Look out, Ted Turner, Atlanta’s days as your private city are numbered.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).