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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Baltimore Ravens Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Baltimore Ravens

Record: 10-6, along with a Super Bowl win. What do you do with a championship-winning team with a great balance of offense and defense? SELL SELL SELL! A team like that doesn’t come cheap!

What is it with NFL players? Don’t they want to be obnoxious and have their thumbs sized for Super Bowl rings? You’ve got the money, already, and even if you want more, think of the sponsorships you could get with the bling of 10 Super Bowl rings.

The Good: Well, at least the Ravens kept Joe Flacco, because, honestly, how could they possibly survive without him. They emptied out the checking account to get him a six-year, $120.6 million contract. He better be good, because he’s going to have to throw the ball, hustle down the field to catch it, block a few defenders when Ray Rice runs, and probably fill in as a linebacker, place-kicker, and towel boy. You spend at one position, you have to take away at another.

The Ravens defense should be as good as ever. Sure Ed Reed hightailed it to Houston and Ray Lewis found Jesus and finally retired, but let’s be honest, they were getting old. Ray Lewis got his first Super Bowl ring and first suspicion of murder in 2000.


The Bad:  If anyone on the offense gets hurt for any length of time, the Ravens will automatically go 6-10. It doesn’t matter if Torrey Smith injures his leg in Week 15. The record will stand. This team has no wiggle room, which is what happens when you give your quarterback a big payday and then let one of his top receivers run a fly pattern into the sunset.

The Ugly: My waiter the last time I went to visit Baltimore. He had this giant growth between his thumb and index finger. I don’t know if it was a wart, or a mole, or even a 6th finger. You never can tell in Baltimore. The guy had tattooed googly eyes on the side of his index finger and a big red clown mouth on the side of his thumb. The waiter goes by the stage name Star Buck, and highly recommends visiting The Pussy Cat strip club.

Suffice to say, I had a hard time finishing my crab-cakes, and I didn’t go to The Pussy Cat.

ray-lewisThe Fans: Never have I heard a city rave about how their crab-cakes are from fresh crabs right out of their own Chesapeake Bay. I’m surprised the crabs aren’t the size of grizzly bears with 10 arms on either side. Have you seen the eco-horror movie The Bay? It’s not that far off.

But these are the fans that still believe Ray Lewis didn’t stab anybody in celebration of a Super Bowl victory. Delusion is bred with wild abandon in the Inner Harbor, and marches 1/4 mile to the stadium before every home game in the Ravens Walk parade.

Fun Fact: The Ravens plan to erect a statue in honor of Ray Lewis. It is believed that the statue will use animatronics, and walk into the team’s pre-game huddle to pump them up by yelling wildly and foaming at the mouth. In the event that it isn’t ready, Ray Lewis himself will be on call at every game as an ESPN analyst. Analyzing what, I don’t know. Maybe an analysis of where Aaron Hernandez went wrong.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).