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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: San Diego Chargers Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

Sandiego_Chargers2013

Team: San Diego Chargers

Record: 7-9. Hum-diddly-doo. That’s the vibe of San Diego. I’m surprised they even have a football team. The way San Diego is, you’d figure they’d be playing Segway polo in the city square. Football, you say? That can get mighty hot with all that screaming. How about an ice-cool lemonade from the naval of a Mexican prostitute? It sure starts my day off right!

The only people that seem to get pissed off at the Chargers are people that are not Chargers fans. There’s a reason for this: beautiful scouting combined with amazing talent multiplied by crafty coaching. What spoils the team is a pinch of vomit that seems to get lodged in the throat of every head coach when the game is one the line. Marty Schottenheimer did amazing things in the regular season, like letting the players play and not fucking around with play-calling, but once he got into the playoffs he needed to legitimize his role as coach, if only to dismantle the Chargers’ chances of winning. Schottenheimer did finally win a championship…in the UFL. The embarrassment prompted him to leave the football sideline for good. At least, we hope. Norv Turner continued the Schottenheimer legacy almost flawlessly. He just didn’t get the chance to blow a game in the AFC Championship.

But it’s all good. It’s only football! There’s plenty of better things to do in San Diego than worry about some local sports team! Now where’s that Mexican prostitute?

 

The Good: The San Diego Chargers had the greatest team ever assembled this past off-season. Their starting quarterback, Anthony Artagna, is literally able to throw footballs over football stadiums length-wise and still can hit his receiver between the numbers. Their receivers, Michael Manning and Monty Miller, can jump 50 feet in the air to catch a football. Their running back, Timothy O’Toole, is 5’3″, 400 pounds, and can run the 50-yard dash in 1.7 seconds. Their kicker can split the uprights from 90 yards away, and their defense can force a turn-over so quickly that the opposition should just punt the ball whenever they possibly get it to keep the score as close as humanly possible.

Unfortunately, all of these star players died before the preseason, so no-one else had a chance to see the San Diego Chargers that were going to win 6 Super Bowls in a row. At least, that’s what Manti T’eo probably said.

manti_teo

The Bad: The pussification of Philip Rivers. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great quarterback, especially since his best receiver is a 33 year old tight end. He works with what he has, but he looks like such a baby about it. Eli Manning has the Manningface. Philip Rivers has the Pissyface.

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And it gets worse. Rivers has become so pussified by San Diego, he would probably wear a ski jacket if he could to play a game anywhere outside of his city. Longsleeves? Check. Gloves? Check. Leggings? Probably. He might as well play arena football. At least the weather will be nice all season long.

rivers_cold

And what is that thing Rivers does with his left hand when he’s throwing the ball? He looks like my ex-girlfriend throwing a football back to me while she’s sunning herself in a bikini at the park. She wasn’t very sports coordinated, which is fine. I found the throws cute. I don’t want to think of a starting quarterback’s throws as “cute.”

The Ugly: A 67 year-old great-grandmother just accused San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual harassment. The fact that he would find a woman that old sexy enough to flirt with hurts my brain. I don’t care if Filner is 70 years old. If you’re going to get pinned for sexual harassment, go for the gusto. Walk around the Pacific Beach Boardwalk and slap some bikini-clad asses. If you’re going out, go out in style.

The Fans: Being a football fan is stressful, so I’m surprised there are any fans in San Diego. Fortunately, the Chargers have some of the most stress-free team colors. Yellow? Baby blue? It’s as if the fans and the team are saying, “Let’s not make this team too serious, people. Have some fun with it!”

Fun Fact: The San Diego Trolley is the preferred travel device to Qualcomm Stadium. How can you take a fan-base seriously that takes a trip on a rinky-dink trolley? I can imagine one of these things rolling towards the stadium packed with Chargers fans singing “San Diego Super Chargers” while attempting disco-dancing.

 

 

How anyone having to do with football in San Diego can look themselves in the face without crying is a mystery.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).