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If Yelena Isinbayeva Were a Man, She’d Be Arrested in Russia


Earlier this week, Russian pole vault champion Yelena Isinbayeva spoke out against two Swedish athletes who wore rainbow-colored nails to show their opposition to Russia’s anti-gay propaganda law, which indicates heavy fines and a probably trip to the Gulag for anyone convicted of promoting homosexuality to people under the age of 18. Russia’s Sports Minister, Vitaly Mutko, warned that gay Olympic athletes in next year’s Winter Olympics, to be held in Sochi, risk arrest if they engage in homosexual propaganda.

While the idea of the Swiss doing anything volatile that takes sides in a controversial matter is ironic in itself, the real humor has to do with Yelena Isinbayeva herself. “Homosexual propaganda” is a bit of a vague term. Anything can be made sexual if you look hard enough, so it’s really up to the person dissecting the controversial subject to decide if something is “gay” or not. It’s homophobia on a multinational scale. Rainbow flags and hairy men in Speedos and roller-skates may be obvious, but there is much about the Olympic Games that could fall under “gay propaganda” terms.

For instance, Yelena Isinbayeva is an athlete in the pole vault, one of the most sexually explicit sports in the Olympic Games.

Don’t believe me?


OK, fine. That’s a picture of her in a less than lady-like pose. I got that one to sway general opinion, but how about that live prep before Yelena get’s off the pole?



If you put all that erotic tension on, say, a male pole vault athlete, you could say that the sport with men is homosexual propaganda. So, in essence, Yelena supports the arrest of her male counterparts. Take that, sexism!

But there’s more. Everyone winning duo in women’s beach volleyball would be taken away in handcuffs, because nothing says hot, lesbian fantasy like two women rolling around with each other in the sand. Trust me. It’s one of the reasons I watch the sport.


You can probably just arrest every athlete in a female sport. They all roll around hugging each other, and if there’s one thing that my perverted mind thinks about when women hug while they’re half naked, it’s sex.

Of course, men would not be immune to the law.

Wrestlers? Gone.


Soccer/Football for everyone except Americans? Gone.


Water polo? No question.


Rugby? You’re goddamn right!


So thank you, Yelena Isinbayeva. Your words have led to the probability of Russia never holding another Olympic event because, well, sports are just full of gayness.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).