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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: New Orleans Saints Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

nola_saints2013

Team: New Orleans Saints

Record: 7-9. Of course, it’s not the Saints’ fault that they didn’t make the playoffs. “The NFL took our coach, Sean Payton, for the entire season! DERP-A-DERP-A-DIDDLY-DERP! They even took our interim coach, Joe Vitt, for 6 games! DERP-ERP-A-DERP!”

Obviously, it was no fault of anyone in New Orleans that the defensive bounty scandal came to light. It was a conspiracy, a continual web of deceit that began when martian lizard men hired by the CIA blew up the levee during Hurricane Katrina. And who got stuck holding the bag? Aaron Kromer. Who the fuck is Aaron Kromer? Exactly. He’s been an offensive line coach for most of his 14 year career. That’s like having the mail-boy organize the buy-out of a multi-billion dollar financial firm. Kromer went 2-4, and what’s ridiculous is, those were close games! Granted, a close game with the Kansas City Chiefs can be considered a blowout, but Kromer tried with a defense that was anemic even before they won a Super Bowl, and he has been awarded for his valor with the offensive coordinator gig for the Chicago Bears. Or cursed. It depends on how you look at it.

The Good: Drew Brees, along with a receiving corp and a pile of backs that will be giving fantasy football leagues aneurysms all season long. It really is a game of “Who does Brees want to give the ball to today?” It’s a game that leaves the San Diego Chargers crying on the floor of a public restroom at the local park & ride.

Oh, but Sean Payton is back as head coach, with Joe Vitt as his assistant head coach! The team is whole once again! Lay-zay lay bon ton rule-ay!

The Bad: It’s hard to truly fault the Saints for putting out such a shitty defense year after year. Baseball analysts have this theory that hitting will get you into the playoffs, but pitching will get you through the playoffs. It works the same way in football, but with a little more restriction (due to a baseball season having 162 games and a football season having 16 games). Offense will probably get you to the playoffs, but defense will get you to the Super Bowl. The Saints would rather get to the playoffs on offense, then roll the dice in the playoffs and hope other teams’ defenses suck a little worse than theirs.

The Ugly: Oh, but the Saints have a secret weapon this season, a defensive power that’ll whip ’em into shape and be a contender, or kill them all trying!

Ryan_FYeah

Rob Ryan don’t need no fucking bounty pools for his defense! He’s gonna beat the shit out of you if ya DON’T get a sack! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT!? YOU GOT SOME OF THIS SHIT! I JUST ATE YOUR FAMILY! DA WOLFMAN COMETH ALL OVER YOUR FUCKIN FACE, MOTHERFUCKER! OW-OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

RyanYell

Even if the defense sucks, you can bet that Rob Ryan will be as entertaining as ever. Probably even more so than the offense.

The Fans: Ever since their entire city drowned in 2005, Saints fans have had a sense of entitlement in football. It’s as if they know that God himself thought, “Hey, I’ve been shitting all over these people for years. It’s about time I gave something back.” So he gave the Saints a pile of talent on offense, cleaned up their stadium, and touched Drew Brees’ right arm in a blessing to throw lots and lots of touchdowns.

It’s a nice thought, but you’d figure fans would shuck the fuck up about it after winning a Super Bowl over 3 years ago. But no, the “WHO DAT” chant is still as loud as ever. Who day say dey gonna beat dem Saints? Anyone with a balanced offense and defense, at least.

Fun Fact: Archie Manning is not in the NFL Hall of Fame. He is in the New Orleans Saints Hall of Fame, mostly because the Saints have sucked for so very, very long that they needed one good memory. Unfortunately for Manning, the Saints are probably going to erect a Drew Brees statue the size of Seattle’s Space Needle outside the Superdome when he retires. Sorry, sir, you have been displaced.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).