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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Chicago Bears Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Chicago Bears

Record: 10-6. Aw, so close guys! You really hung in there but, when push came to shove, the Packers shoved your ass all over the field. Well, the Packers shoved Jay Cutler’s ass all over the field or, to be literal, into the field.

On first glance, it seems like the Chicago Bears were the only team that was fucked over by the replacement ref call in the Seahawks VS Packers game. “Da Seahawks woulda been 10-6 wid da Bears! Dey took our playoff spot, dere!”

Unfortunately, that was not the case, since Da Bears and Da Seahawks would have had matching conference records, so we would have had to go to the head-to-head, which the Seahawks won 23-17 in overtime. Gosh darn it! Well, dere’s always da Cubbies!

The Good: No matter what you say, Jay Cutler is a very good quarterback. Sure, he may whine like a little pussy because 3 out of 4 times he’s throwing for a first down with a linebacker hanging onto his right arm, but some would say that’s with good reason.

Cutler still has Brandon Marshall to throw to, and Matt Forte to hand the ball off to in case he gets tired of eating a face full of grass himself.

Even the defense is still pretty decent. Sure, actual brown bear look-a-like Brian Urlacher may have retired, but plenty of other players have looked more and more like bears. It’s an odd occurrence. If you play or coach with the Chicago Bears, you begin to look like a bear. Don’t ask me why, I’m not a biologist.


St. Louis Rams Lovie Smith just looks calmer and nicer than Chicago Bears Lovie Smith, for example. Maybe playing for or coaching the bears just makes people look angry and ferocious because they’re with the Chicago Bears. It’s a painful cycle.

The Bad: The Chicago Bears offensive line. I once filled in as an offensive lineman for a friend’s flag-football team practice. I’m 6’3″ and between 170-180 pounds. Not exactly offensive lineman material, or anything to do with football material, but I got the job done. Only got knocked on my ass once.

The Chicago Bears offensive line are made up of 6’0″, 350 pound monsters that are supposed to be professionals at making sure people don’t push them over, and they have a high ratio of finding themselves on their ass more than I did. I’m not saying I would do a better job in the NFL. I’d probably die on the first play. But put my knowledge in a fat guy? I could be a contender.

The Ugly: Jay Cutler, running for his life on every single pass play, getting drilled by linebackers while his offensive lineman fall over like dominoes, running accidental play-action with a defender holding onto his arm for dear life as he throws the ball. All of that, every single play, and who’s blamed for the loss? Jay Cutler.


Two defenders are beating out their offensive linemen so bad that they have time to suplex Jay Cutler. Something is wrong there.

And Jay isn’t even say from getting banged up after the play!


The Fans: No matter when you were born or what year it is, The Chicago Bears are made up of the 1985 team and coached by Mike Ditka. “Now dat was a gritty team, dere! Mike Ditka and Da Bears of ’85 are the all time best! DITKA DITKA DEEP-DISH DITKA SAUSAGES!”

Fans barely care about their team now. They’re tasted the best, and will never let it go. Once the Cubs win a World Series, the same thing will happen with that team. The manager will become a god, all the players will be given 10 Chicago virgins each, and the city will be at peace.

Fun Fact: For all the shit Jay Cutler gets for being an ass on the field, he more than makes up for it. Every Monday he has his own ESPN radio show in Chicago, “The Jay Cutler Show“, dealing with all the questions and complaints of fans and haters alike.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).