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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Kansas City Chiefs Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Kansas City Chiefs

Record: 2-14. Unfortunately, last season wasn’t the “Suck for Luck” year. The Chiefs dodged that bullet with a 7-9 record. *Whew* To think they could have drafted a better quarterback than the New England Patriots’ leftovers or a guy whose real name is Tyler Palko would have been sheer lunacy.

For the 2013 draft, the Chiefs “Sucked.” Period. They got themselves an offensive tackle. That’s like rummaging through a box of cereal because the special prize happens to be a cyanide capsule. It’s a dirty job, but it has to be done.

The Good: Kansas City barbeque is legendary, so it’s no surprise that the Chiefs were able to coax Andy Reid and his ginormous weightlifting belt to Kansas City. Or, whatever that belt is. It looks like a strap used to hold cars down on a flatbed truck.

Besides looking like a giant, red gumball, Andy Reid should be able to play to the strengths of the Chiefs. Yes, I said strengths and Chiefs in the same sentence. As soon as you’re done laughing, let us continue, shall we?

The Chiefs are building themselves around a West Coast run-and-gun game. Last season, they just had the run part of the equation with Jamaal Charles, who was considered to be the next Barry Sanders in terms of being stuck on a dead-end team. Unfortunately, they did not have the “gun” part of this offense. The “gun” part used to be on the defense with Jovan Belcher. Not where the Chiefs needed it, ever.

To fill this gap, they traded for Alex Smith of the San Francisco 49ers, who made great strides last year in leading an offense that he was able to spend more than a year learning before he was injured and replaced by Colin Kaepernick in what many believed was parallel to when Joe Montana was injured and replaced with Steve Young. The parallel continues, since both Joe Montana and Alex Smith ended up in Kansas City.

The parallel ends there, as Smith has yet to win a Super Bowl.

steve_bonoThe Bad: It’s nice to think of Alex Smith as the next coming of Joe Montana to Kansas City. That was the last time a 49ers quarterback went to KC, right?

Wrong. A friend of mine reminded me that another fellow by the name of Steve Bono, aka Muppet-Head, once made the quarterbacking trip from San Francisco to Kansas City to play backup to Joe Montana…again. Muppet-Head led the Chiefs to a division title and the playoffs in the 1995 season, and promptly lost 10-7 against the Indianapolis Colts in the playoffs. His claim to fame is running 76 yards for a touchdown, mostly out of fear that a linebacker would bust up his back like Joe Montana’s.

The Ugly: While Alex Smith seems like a great catch, you have to consider a few situations.

  1. Who will Alex Smith be able to trust in catching the ball besides his tight end Anthony Fasano?
  2. Alex Smith spent 6 years playing round-robin with head coaches and offensive coordinators who kept changing the direction of the offense. He would finally learn one scheme just to have to re-learn everything all over again. Finally, Jim Harbaugh comes in, puts together back-to-back years coaching the 49ers, and Alex Smith improves. What good can come from Smith being shoved into a new offense again?

The Fans: Last year, the obituary of Chiefs fan Loren G. “Sam” Lickteig in The Kansas City Star cited the team as a partial cause of death.

“Loren G. ‘Sam’ Lickteig passed away on Nov. 14, 2012 of complications from MS and heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs.”

It’s hilarious and horrible at the same time. It’s also scary. What will happen if expectations aren’t upheld this season? Will Arrowhead Stadium implode from the sudden inhale of all Chiefs fans at the same time? Will fans cheer for an injury to Alex Smith before Week 5? Will Andy Reid be roasted on a spit in the parking lot? Time will tell.

Fun Fact: Last season, The Chiefs became the first team since the 1929 Buffalo Bisons to not lead in regulation through any of their first nine games. They also had a franchise record of 352 rushing yards against the Indianapolis Colts in Week 16…and lost the game 20-13.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).