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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Green Bay Packers Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

seattle_seahawks2013

Team: Green Bay Packers

Record: 11-5. Damn you, replacement refs! Golden Tate didn’t get that touchdown! We woulda won that Super Bowl if we had a higher playoff seeding! No one beats us in our own stadium! Rabble Rabble Rabble!

I wouldn’t be surprised if Lambeau Field put up an unofficial “Super Bowl XLVII Champions” flag up. It’s become that ugly, but that’s how it goes with odd calls. People just can’t let it go. Just look at Raiders fans and Patriots haters.

The Good: Aaron Rodgers. Besides having the best photobombs in the history of the world, Rodgers is a fine, young quarterback.

Aaron-Rodgers-Photobomb

He’s so good that fantasy football mock drafts predict him going before most running backs, probably because he threw for over 4,000 yards and had 39 touchdowns. If you didn’t hear much about it, it was probably because he failed to bring the Packers to another Super Bowl, or just saw way too many State Farm Insurance commercials that you got bored with his championship belt dance move, one of the worst “touchdown dance” moves in the history of the NFL.

The Bad: Everyone else on the Green Bay Packers. If Rodgers isn’t throwing for 10,000 yards and 7 touchdowns a game, the Packers are putting up a “1” in the loss column.

This isn’t an exaggeration. This week, Aaron Rodgers got the sniffles and couldn’t play. I didn’t think people who lived in the icy tundra of Wisconsin could get sick, but I was wrong. This led to the tag-team of backup quarterbacks, Graham Harrell and Vince Young to lead the 1st-stringers. It wasn’t pretty, and showcased how ugly the Packers could be without Rodgers around to sling the ball down the field on 3rd and 50.

The Ugly: Greg Jennings once again had something to say about Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers organization, this time as he went off into the wild, purple yonder to play for the Minnesota Vikings. The back-draft was so bad that one sports memorabilia store a 1/2 mile away from Lambeau Field has given away all of its Jennings merchandise. Yes, even jerseys.

The Fans: Packers fans have this odd way of materializing whenever the Packers win and disappear whenever they lose. I don’t think it’s just a pride thing. I think that Packers fans physically cannot comprehend a loss. I haven’t been to Green  Bay yet, but I can imagine it after a Packers home loss: the fans silently file out of Lambeau Field; every sports radio station is full of dead air, not even commercials; bars and restaurants are closed for the week. Through it all, one lone figure stalks the streets of the city as the rest of the population listens. “Winning is not a sometime thing; it’s an all the time thing. You don’t win once in a while; you don’t do things right once in a while; you do them right all of the time. Winning is a habit.”

 

 

Some say it is a ghost, but others say that, since the death of Vince Lombardi, a vanguard mascot of Packer pride is instated in Green Bay, complete with overcoat and fedora, to remind the people that the Vince Lombardi trophy belongs in Green Bay. This person is only ousted upon death or traitorous leave to the Minnesota Vikings.

Fun Fact: If the entire state of Green Bay was wiped out by a natural disaster and the sole person who survived happened to have 200 shares of stock in the Packers, that person would become the sole owner of the franchise. This is the only possible way for the Packers to become privately owned. It would make a great James Bond installment.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).