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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Houston Texans Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

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Team: Houston Texans

Record: 12-4. This time the Texans really had to fight for the division with Andrew Luck pushing the Colts into Manning Mode. Not like the 2011 season where they…almost lost it to Tennessee. *FACEPALM*

Unfortunately for the Texans, 2012 ended like it always does: in the playoffs, with Matt Schaub losing just a little more hair as the Texans get sooooooo close and get blown out in the end.

The Good: J.J. Watt has been doing his best Ray Lewis impression with the Houston defense. Sure, he’s a defensive end, 6’5″ with the wingspan of Dhalsim, white, and hasn’t stabbed anyone yet, but give him time. He hasn’t won a Super Bowl yet.

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The Texans also nabbed Ed Reed from the Ravens. Unfortunately, Reed is not a quarterback.

The Bad: Usually a team loses in the playoffs despite having an elite quarterback. The Houston Texans lose despite having an elite “everything else” except for quarterback. Matt Schaub has that look of, “Well, I’m here. Might as well play with this ball of yarn.” He looks lost on the field, especially in big spots. The only time he looks comfortable and relieved is when he’s handing the ball off to Arian Foster, because it means he won’t have a chance to look like a tool if he tries to heave it out to Andre Johnson and ends up 30 yards short.

What’s worse is, Arian Foster may not even bee ready for Week 1. Matt Schaub will be officially bald by the time this season is over. Not balding, like he is now, but bald. Cue ball bald. “Evander Holyfield without part of his ear” bald.

The Ugly: The Texans are poised to finally make their way to the Super Bowl. Tom Brady doesn’t have anyone to throw to. Andrew Luck is still learning about the NFL. The Ravens were sold off in bulk for crab-cakes. Peyton Manning’s head may actually separate from his body this season.

This means that we will probably see a glorious sea of suckiness from the Texans, who will end up losing to the Chiefs and Raiders and miss the playoffs entirely. Can’t have it too easy down in Texas, can we?

The Fans: Things haven’t really changed all that much in Houston since the Bud Adams and the Oilers gave their city the middle finger and ye-hawed it up to Tennessee. Houston fans seem almost afraid to root for a football team anymore. All the good fans had already been claimed by the Cowboys.

Fun Fact: Texans owner Bob McNair failed to bring a NHL expansion team to Houston in 1997 to keep the Oilers in town. His consolation prize was the Houston Texans expansion team in the NFL. A man that thought a hockey team further south than the Dallas Stars was a good idea is in charge of your team. Godspeed.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).