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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: St. Louis Rams Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

stlouis_rams2013

Team: St. Louis Rams

Record: 7-8-1. That’s right, the Rams had a tie. Against the 49ers! Surely this must mean that they have what it takes to win that game this year!

Well, that’s debatable. This was the game where Alex Smith got a concussion and ushered in the Kaepernick era. Nice job, Rams. you let a good lead slip away, missed a game-winning field goal on account of clock management, and unleashed Kaepernick’s biceps all in one game. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. Then you let Steven Jackson go because Daryl Richardson seems much more adept at fumbling. Slow clap. FAIL. Then you let Danny Amendola, you 2nd best player, go to New England. This team couldn’t be setting themselves up for the Clowneystakes better if Jeff Fisher drove the team bus straight into the Mississippi River.

The Good: Tourism in St. Louis is up 500% since the Syfy channel aired the show Defiance, which features the Gateway Arch. Unfortunately, if you look at the Arch while thinking about the Rams, it’s hard not to imagine it as a giant ass bent over like Bradley Manning.

St. Louis Rams Rookie Mini CampAs far as the team? Jeff Fisher’s moustache may not look as full as it once was, but it is still the stuff of legend. That’s about it for the good.

The Bad: Besides how infinitely horrible this team is, along with how infinitely no one cares, we will be forced to see them during regularly scheduled times every game this season. The Rams will not be shipped off to London this year or the next. You’d figure a Rams VS Jaguars game in London should happen every year to keep the teams relevant, but it is not to be so.

The Ugly: Jeff Fisher called out former quarterback Bernie Kosar for his commentary during a game against the Browns.

“I feel bad for them that they had someone doing the broadcast who would feel the need to speak that way about players, specifically on our team, and coaches for that matter. I’m just surprised that Bernie has such a lack of respect for players and for this game. So I lost a lot of respect for him.”

Kosar is providing commentary for a Browns preseason game, which is one step from providing commentary on an elementary school soccer game. Of course he would mock the Rams. He’s probably tired of mocking the Browns. Everyone else is.

The Fans: Long gone are the days of St. Louis reveling in have “The Greatest Show On Turf.” These days, the only fans that seem to be showing up to games are the die-hards that haven’t taken off their Kurt Warner jerseys since the Rams won Super Bowl XXXIV, half-blind Broncos fans in Missouri, and Catholic picketers screaming for us to keep holy the Sabbath.

Fun Fact: Until the passing of female owner Georgia Frontiere in 2008, it was illegal to make fun of the Rams for fear of being labelled sexist.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).