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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Buffalo Bills Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Buffalo Bills

Record: 6-10. The year before that? 6-10. The year before that? Even worse. 4-12. 2009? 6-10 again. Then the Bills had a streak of amazingness for 3 years when they went 7-9. Yeah, it’s been a rough decade for the Buffalo Bills.

The Good: There’s a reason why C.J. Spiller is going so quickly in fantasy football draft. He’s that good. I know, it’s not something Bills fans get to say too often, but they have a high-calibur running back that a team can be built around.

This means, of course, that the Bills will squander Spiller’s talent for another year until they let him become a star somewhere else. Remember that scrub, Marshawn Lynch?

The Bad: The Bills just can’t get a handle on this quarterback thing. The Harvard beard experiment got shipped down the Appalachian Trail to the Tennessee Titans. Now they have a trio that includes broken rookie quarterback EJ Manuel, mentally broken veteran Kevin Kolb, and some guy named Jeff Tuel.

The Ugly: Steve Johnson is beginning to look like an NFL version of Dennis Rodman, and it’s not interesting. At. All.

Tattoos and head-shaving designs are all good, but a face-piercing that high up? When you’re playing a high-contact sport? Terrell Owens rubbed off way too much on Steve Johnson.


The Fans: Going to a Bills game is like slowly drowning in a kiddie pool. You know it’s happening, you know why it’s happening, but the sheer insanity of the situation freezes you in suspended stupidity.

While in Buffalo:

  • A friend struck up a texting relationship with a waitress that lasted 2 weeks.
  • I was offered $20 for my Bills Horns fuzzy hat, which is less than the hat actually costs back home. And probably less than it costs anywhere except for Buffalo.
  • 3 guys with camo jackets over their Bills T-shirts spent 15 minutes explaining to me why Buffalo is “comin back” as a city and how “all the young folks are finally making a living here.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him those young folks were college students, and all the new buildings were going up across the border in Canada.

Fun Fact: The “Bills” name was chosen in a contest won by Bill Keenan. Whether Mr. Keenan meant the name to reference a young buffalo or he just wanted his own name on a team is debatable.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).