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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Arizona Cardinals Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Arizona Cardinals

Record: 5-11. That’s pretty bad, but once you take into account that the Cardinals were 4-0 at the beginning of the season, then went on a 1-11 streak, it just starts looking ridiculously awful. Two of those wins were against the Seahawks and Patriots, which gives me a brain aneurysm whenever I think too much about it.

The Good: Well, Larry Fitzgerald is pretty damn good. In fact, he’s the best player on the team. Which sucks.

When your #1 player is a quarterback, running back, linebacker, or even defensive back, at least that player can make a difference on his own. Sure, he’s still part of the team, but he can, you know, do something. Throw the ball. Run the ball. Get a sack or interception. Even kick a field goal. When your best player is a wide receiver, he can’t do anything until the quarterback actually throws him the ball. Considering how horrible quarterbacks in Arizona are, it’s a tough position.

The Bad: Last season, the starting quarterback for the Cardinals changed 5 times. 5 TIMES! Eagles cast-off Kevin Kolb, John “Lurch” Skelton, rookie Ryan Lindley, and some practice dummy named Brian Hoyer. Whether it was because of injury or extreme suckitude, this round-robin destroyed any hope of meaningful touches by Larry Fitzgerald.


Now the Cardinals hope lightning strikes twice by taking another depleted, over-the-hill quarterback and making him their hope for a Super Bowl run. Introducing…Carson Palmer?

Well, at least Fitzgerald will get at least half of the fantasy football points he would get with a good quarterback. It’s better than having him practice sprints for the Summer Olympic Games.

The Ugly: Because obviously it was the coaching the screwed up the Cardinals’ 2012 season and not a lack of talent, the Cardinals picked up Bruce Arians from the Colts, who did such a good job priming rookie quarterback Andrew Luck while Chuck Pagano went on his Chuckstrong mission. Carson Palmer is not a rookie quarterback. He’s an old, cranky quarterback who has Rich Gannon’s temperament when dealing with coaches. As in, he looks like he’d rather punch a coach in the face than listen to him.

The Fans: Cardinals fans are hardcore. Who else would sit outside in the blazing desert in the afternoon to watch football? Granted, there aren’t that many of them that bother to relinquish their air-conditioned motor-homes, but those that do get big ups from me.

Maybe Arizona should fund the first underground football stadium. The media would go crazy, fans would at least feel physically comfortable during a game if not mentally, and we could put one of those abandoned missile silos to good use. Just a thought.

Fun Fact: The Arizona Cardinals were so useless to St. Louis, Missouri that they broke up the last teams in baseball and football to have the same name and sent the Cardinals to Arizona. They ended up taking in the Rams, which makes the situation even stupider. Just think of the money that could have been saved by fans in colored clothing alone.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).