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A Noob in Fantasy Football Stage 2: The Draft! Well, Not Really

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Most of what I learned about fantasy football has been from watching The League on FX. We’ll see how that holds up as I explore my first season in a fantasy football league.

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Stage 2: The Draft! Or, The Mock Draft Because Your Commissioner Shit the Bed

Draft Day seems to be the most gut-wrenching time in fantasy football. You set up your picks as if you’re going to get the #1 pick, and everything slowly becomes shitty the further down the line you go as you scramble to make sure you don’t accidentally put Matt Leinart on your team when it’s all over.

It’s a time of self-reflection and horror, because once you have your lineup, you see just how shitty it’ll be against your Week 1 opponent.

I ended up with the #2 pick in a standard snake draft, which is great!

Except my commissioner ALLEGEDLY was supposed to change the date of the draft for the 3rd time to give some other players time to get in. He failed to do so, and him and his girlfriend started off on auto-draft, picking Rob Gronkowski among other horrible choices.

So, here is my lineup! Or, would have been. Let’s chalk it up as a mock draft, something I vowed never to do because, let’s face it, your league may not pick like some random people on Yahoo.

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Round 1 (#2)

Ray Rice: RB (BAL)

Ok, it’s a fucking stretch, but I think Ray-Ray is going to put up some big numbers. Who is Joe Flacco going to throw to anyway?

Round 2 (#11)

Alfred Morris: RB (WAS)

I just don’t trust RG3 to be going as crazy as he did last year, which means more balls for their featured running back.

Round 3 (#14)

Aaron Rodgers: QB (GB)

Seriously, you have to ask? I’m not a total strategist. When Rodgers is sitting there in round 3, you take him like Taylor Swift’s virginity.

Round 4 (#23)

Andre Johnson: WR (HOU)

With Arian Foster shaky, Matt Schaub is going to be lobbing the ball, and he does that well to Andre during the regular season. The playoffs are another matter, but fantasy football is over before the playoffs.

Round 5 (#26)

Marques Colston: WR (NO)

Drew Brees racks up big yardage with his receivers. Since Jimmy Graham was taken, I opted for Colston. Yes, he has a boo-boo on his foot. He’ll suck it up.

Round 6 (#35)

Wes Welker: WR (DEN)

Once again, I am forced to choose a receiver that is second tier, but could be a great gamble, especially if every defensive back is covering Demaryius Thomas when Peyton Manning is trying to throw to him.

Round 7 (#38)

Vernon Davis: TE (SF)

With a broken receiving corp in San Francisco, Vernon Davis looks to be Colin Kaepernick’s go-to guy when he’s tired of running the ball himself.

Round 8 (#47)

Chris Johnson: RB (TEN)

As my first bench player, I was happy to take Chris Johnson. He’s going to be a man on a mission this season, considering his shitty start last year where Ryan Fitzpatrick had more rushing yards than him after Week 3. Besides, it’s not like Tennessee can do anything else but run. And run. And run some more.

Round 9 (#50)

Matt Ryan: QB (ATL)

If Matt Ryan is going to drop this far, you bet your fucking ass I’m going to take him. And he has a different bye week than my starter, Aaron Rodgers. Win-win.

Round 10 (#59)

Denver: Defense/Special Teams (DEN)

Eventually you have to take a defense, and I was the last to do so. Denver is pretty solid on that end, especially when Peyton Manning keeps them rested.

Round 11 (#62)

Blair Walsh: K (MIN)

The Vikings score two ways: A) Adrian Peterson runs for a touchdown. B) Blair Walsh kicks a field goal. It’s not rocket science.

Round 12 (#71)

DeMarco Murray: RB (DAL)

Tony Romo can’t do everything. Well, actually he can’t do much of anything. DeMarco Murray is a safe bench player in my mind.

Round 13 (#74)

Mike Wallace: WR (MIA)

As long as Ryan Tannehill remembers how to throw the football, Mike Wallace can be a speedy check-down target with major yards after catch.

Round 14 (#83)

Carson Palmer: QB (ARI)

I’ll give Carson Palmer a shot. He’ll probably just heave the ball to Larry Fitzgerald all day. Someone has to.

Round 15 (#86)

Anthony Fasano: TE (KC)

Check-down Charlie, aka Alex Smith, will probably hand the ball off to Jamaal Charles mostly. When he has to throw it, checking down to the tight end is a safe bet.

How I Did

Apparently, Yahoo thinks I draft like a 2 year old banging on a keyboard. They gave me a C+ and called me a pussy. Apparently, my lineup is soft and safe.

“Carroll’s Love-In focused on balance.”

That’s a nice way of saying I have no balls. The only good thing they had to say about my draft is that I played the numbers game, and made sure that I wouldn’t even have to deal with the waiver wire unless a player was injured. All of my players’ bye weeks are covered by a player as shitty as my starter.

“Whether by good fortune or well-planned strategy, Carroll’s Love-In has secured a favorable bye week schedule for their superstars. Of their top five players in projected points, none share a common off week. Actuaries love the drafting style of Carroll’s Love-In. They minimized risk by selecting eight consistent players among their 15 picks.”

I’ll be taking these critiques to heart as I get ready for the REAL draft.

Coming up next: The REAL draft, and the team I end up with.

Stage 1: Setting Up Your Fantasy Football Team

Stage 2: The Draft! Well, Not Really…

Stage 2.1: The Official Draft

Stage 3: Playing Week 1

Stage 4: Playing Week 2

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).

  • Luke

    This sounds like a really odd/small league. Based off your picks this is a 6 team league. You need to recruit more managers… 10 teams at minimum. A few tips:

    1. Chris Johnson should not have been available in round 8. I have him 25th overall on my board.

    2. I have never seen a league where everyone drafted a defense by round 10. You’ll have better results playing by matchups anyway. Wait till the last round to draft a kicker. The scoring difference between the 1st and 10th kicker last year was 24 pts. 24/16 = 1.5 pts a game.

    3. You don’t need 3 QB’s. Better to take a flier WR at that point.

    4. I would not be in a league where the commish can just say “Oh I forgot to attend. Redo.” Not even worth it.