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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Pittsburgh Steelers Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

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Team: Pittsburgh Steelers

Record: 8-8. Hooray for mediocrity! Having an equal amount of wins and losses is like having the worst of both worlds. You have too many wins to get much of a draft pick, but just too few to get into the playoffs and make a run at the Super Bowl. Unless you play in the West. Then 8-8 (2004 St. Louis Rams, 2008 Chargers, 2011 Broncos) and even 7-9 (2010 Seattle Seahawks) can get you the divisional title or a wildcard berth.

Unfortunately for the Steelers, Pittsburgh is further east.

The Good: With a Pro Bowl slot receiver in Mike Walla… oh, he left. Le’Von Bell has the wheels and explosion of a rookie running ba… shit, he’s injured.

Troy Polamalu’s hair is still as full and lustrous as ever. That’s pretty good considering he plays in Pittsburgh, right?

The Bad: The Pittsburgh defense and running game, which has been the team’s bread and butter for decades, is now old and injured. We all saw it happening last season. Then they have a nice draft, and BOOM, injury. It’s all up to fantasy football waiver surprise Isaac Redman, now.

The Ugly: Ben Roethlisberger has to be the ugliest football player in history, and the NFL has a long history of 400 pound tubs of man-cheese with a face only a blind mother can love. I know that Pittsburgh is gritty, and is proud that their players are gritty, too, but seriously, there’s gritty and there’s “I have millions of dollars and I still have to force women to consent to sex” ugly.

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The hat does not help Big Ben. It just makes him look a little like Big Boy Caprice from Dick Tracy.

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The Fans: Everyone calls the Pittsburgh Steelers a “respectable” organization, an “honorable” team, a “sports tradition.” How anyone can say that with a straight face while Rapey the Fat-Head Elf is on the team is beyond me. The fans are guilty by association due to those pee-stained towels.

Fun Fact: It’s official: Ben Roethlisberger thinks Todd Haley is a fucking moron like the rest of the world…except for Steelers management, apparently.

“He brought it in and (said) ‘Here’s my stuff, here’s what we’re going to do.’ So it was hard for us to say, ‘Hey, we were pretty doggone good last year, what were we 12-4?’” Roethlisberger said Saturday on the first practice day of Steelers training camp. “We would say, ‘Oh, we know this play, it’s the same thing we had, but it’s called completely different.’ So why not call it the same thing? So there was a lot of frustration with that.”

full article on Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).