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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Dallas Cowboys Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Dallas Cowboys

Record: 8-8, with a good old choke at the end of the season to lose 2 games and miss the playoffs. HOW ‘BOUT DEM COWBOYS!

The Good: The Cowboys always look nice on paper. Dez Bryant can catch the ball. Jason Witten can catch the ball. Mile Austin can catch the ball. DeMarco Murray can usually hold onto the ball. If you slotted a nice, reliable quarterback under center, this offense could rule the world.

And let’s not forget how Cowboys Stadium has become the Disney World of football. Well, that being “good” is debatable.

The Bad: The Cowboys don’t have a nice, reliable quarterback. They have Tony Romo, who Jekyll & Hydes himself throughout the season. One week he’ll be throwing 4 touchdowns, the next he’ll be throwing 5 interceptions.

Luckily, the Cowboys defense is just as unreliable, usually at the exact opposite time that Romo forgets what color jerseys his teammates are waiting. Who will be worse, Romo or the defense? Who is going to really lose the game for the Cowboys? This is the question that fans look for an answer for each and every game.

The Ugly: Did I mention Tony Romo throwing 5 interceptions? I wasn’t exaggerating, for once. They’re not all his fault, but if you think about how surprised his receivers are when they actually get the ball thrown to them, then yeah, you can blame Romo again.



The Fans: Cowboys fans continually refer to their team as “AMURICA’S TEAM!”

I cringe every time I hear this because it reminds me of the stereotypical belief in Europe that all of us Americans wear cowboy hats, own oil fields, and have replaced “you” with “y’all” in the dictionary.

Why can’t we have a cool stereotype, like how the Irish are always drunk, all Australians surf, and all Scandinavians can bench press tanks?? I’d rather have a lame stereotype like Canadians saying, “aboot” than this cowboy schtick.

Fun Fact: Tony Romo has a plus handicap in golf and tried to qualify for the US Open. I wish him well. Maybe if he got rid of this whole “football” thing, he could make a real run in the PGA.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).