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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Miami Dolphins Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Miami Dolphins

Record: 7-9. With losses to the Jets, Cardinals, and Bills, it’s a record that looks a lot better than it actually is. They managed to beat the Seahawks, but that was in Miami, and the Seahawks are rarely relevant for more than 1 season in a row.

The Good: Mike Wallace decided to leave the bitter cold and bitter fan-base of Pittsburgh in order to retire to the sun and sand of Miami, and maybe catch a few footballs during the season and continue his above-average YAC.

Then again, I can’t help but visualize Mike Wallace’s head in place of Will Smith’s in that music video for “Welcome to Miami.”



The Bad: Besides Mike Wallace and maybe Ryan Tannehill, the Dolphins have a whole bunch of “Who the fuck is that” on their team. Maybe that’s better than last year, where they had a whole bunch of “Why the fuck is that on their team?”

The Ugly: You know what’s scary? When a football team gets on-stage for a fashion show featuring their pretty new uniforms and logo. For some reason, this screams boy band, and boy bands have no place in football.


The Fans: Considering how trendy Miami is, I’m surprised there are even any Dolphins fans alive anymore. You figure they retired and went to live in West Palm Beach where the only sport worth following is bocce ball.

Seriously, if you have to Google your team in relation to the Kardashians, your team has lost all its pride and you mights as well start watching hockey.

Fun Fact: The surviving members of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins were invited to the White House by President Obama this past summer. Because an undefeated season over 40 years ago deserves such an honor.


About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).