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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Cleveland Browns Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Cleveland Browns

Record: 5-11. It’s the type of record that should shame most of the teams the Browns defeated, like San Diego, Pittsburgh, and Cincinnati.

Oakland and Kansas City are debatable wins to make the Browns 2-14. Since one of those teams has also been tossed by its city more than once, it is obvious that the Browns really deserve to be 1-15. Don’t worry, they have all of this year to make that happen.

The Good: The Browns drafted a player named Barkevious Mingo. That is absolutely the greatest thing I have ever heard. It’s almost as good as the Colts drafting Colt McCoy, except the Browns actually drafted a man named Barkevious.

There is also Trent Richardson, still churning those yards away week after week in the hopes that, one day, the Browns will rise from the puddle of 3 week old man spunk that is their quest for a legitimate quarterback.

The Bad: Barkevious Mingo is already injured. BUT HIS NAME IS FUCKING AWESOME! Still, if there is one thing Barkvious isn’t, it’s beefy. He’s a lanky outside linebacker that reminds me of Cam Newton, except Barkevious can’t throw a football and looks like a ballerina when blitzing.

Of course, he can still run me over, but he may not be long for the NFL if he stays at the linebacker position.


The Ugly: BARKEVIOUS MINGO! I can’t get enough of that name. It’s good, bad and ugly, all at the same time.

The Fans: What’s really ugly is that Cleveland still has a football team. This is the city that said, “Fuck this shit! We can’t take all this losing. JUST LEAVE!” And the Browns did. And, like an abused dog, they came back because without the Browns, the people of Cleveland had to look at themselves in the mirror.

Fun Fact: The legend of the name, Barkevious Mingo, is as follows. It was created by his mother, Barbara, by adding the first three letters of her first name to a name she liked, Kevious. Barkevious also has 3 brothers: Hugh, Hughtavious, and Malik. Can you tell how obsessed I am with this name?

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).