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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Denver Broncos Preview

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In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.

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Team: Denver Broncos

Record: 13-3. SO CLOSE TO THE SUPER BOWL! If only Jacoby Jones bobbled the ball, or Joe Flacco came up short. If only… WHOMP WHOMP!

The Good: Peyton Manning is still around but, considering how he was cast away from the Colts in order to lead the Broncos as far into the playoffs as Tim Tebow, maybe he isn’t as amazing as we had thought. His neck always seems one swivel away from letting his head roll down his arm and replace the ball under center. And he would still throw his head more accurately than Tim Tebow.

It’s led me to watch that Chasing Amy scene about oral sex injuries over and over again, and I’m not really sure why.

 

 

The Denver defense is also standing strong, even without Elvis Dumervil and his wrinkled fax.

The Bad: Peyton Manning is slowly creeping into the Brett Favre zone. This means that he’ll be able to push his team straight through the regular season like a buzzsaw only to physically fall apart in the playoffs. His history of mental cracks in the playoffs doesn’t help either.

The Ugly: Elvis Dumervil had to find a fax machine to send his signed, re-negotiated contract to the Broncos and failed to do so in Miami, leading to the “fax fiasco” and his leaving the Denver Broncos defense to beef up the already feared defense of the Baltimore Ravens. You really can’t make this shit up unless you were filming a sequel to The Replacements.

broncos_fansThe Fans: I’ve only met a few Broncos fans, but can honestly say that they are some of the nicest, optimistic fans in the NFL. They even welcomed Tebow to their city with open arms. Maybe it’s the thin air in Denver. AND WEED IS LEGAL NOW! How can so much peace find a place in football? I wonder if Ndamukong Suh would become a Buddhist monk if he ever signed with the Broncos.

Fun Fact: Contrary to a belief that is hopefully held by no one, the former Mile High Stadium and current Sports Authority Field at Mile High are not actually 1 mile high. This is merely a reference to how high the city of Denver is above sea level, or how high current residents have been since the legalization of marijuana. The more you know!

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).