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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Detroit Lions Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Detroit Lions

Record: 4-12. BUT THE STAFFORD-MEGATRON CONNECTION HAPPENS ALL DAY! It does, but it doesn’t matter. The Lions have a tradition of shitting the bed at that perfect moment hat gives them a mark in the loss column.

The Good: Megatron is the coolest nickname for an active NFL player at the moment, which makes Calvin Johnson the best player in the NFL by default. Cam Newton’s “SUPERMAN” got old in a hurry, and SWEEP THE LEG TOMMY didn’t gather steam. I wonder if Tyrann “HONEY BADGER” Mathieu of the Arizona Cardinals will lay a stake to the crown? Probably not.

The Bad: Matthew Stafford isn’t really a quarterback. He’s a guy that can throw a football really far in the vicinity of Calvin Johnson. It’s prettier to see Stafford throw than Tim Tebow, but the end is usually the same: amazing touchdown or ridiculous interception.

What’s worse? Stafford was the #1 draft pick in 2009, putting him in line with the likes of Ryan Leaf and Tim Couch. Yeah, I said it.

The Ugly: I can’t wait to see how Ndamukong Suh hits a player this year. It’s the only reason to watch the Lions. Will he suplex a running back into the ground? Does he plan on dropping an elbow on a player’s chest? My money is on Suh trying to choke an offensive lineman with his bare hands. All while eating a Subway sandwich.


The Fans: Are there even any Lions fans anymore? The city of Detroit itself went bankrupt to the point that the futuristic world of RoboCop could be a reality very soon. The leftovers didn’t seem like sports fans, and anyone who could be a sports fan looked more interested in trying to keep Detroit from swallowing their soul.

Fun Fact: Legendary Lions running back Barry Sanders retired via a fax to his local newspaper, and was promptly sued by the Detroit Lions for signing bonus he was given 2 years prior. Sanders had tried to push the Lions to release him so he could, you know, actually win on a real team, but Lions management decided they would rather he stay retired. It was like an early version of the Brett Favre retirements, and just as ugly.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).