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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Tampa Bay Buccaneers Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Record: 7-9. Most people wouldn’t bother remembering that, because there aren’t many Buccaneers fans in the world. In fact, the only time anyone remembers the Buccaneers is when they win the Super Bowl. Even that doesn’t draw much of a crowd, but more on that later. And yes, I know the shortened term is “The Bucs.” Fuck that. Take your shitty team name like a man. BUUUCCCAAAAANNNNEEEEEEEEEERS!

The Good: OMG THEY GOT DARRELLE REVIS THE TEAM IS NOW COMPLETE! Yes, the Buccaneers were able to fix their defense with one player. I don’t know if this shows how great Revis is, or how bad the Buccaneers were on defense. It will be one of the great mysteries of the Gulf of Mexico that will be answered this season. Next up, the Bermuda Triangle.

The Bad: For every superstar mobile quarterback like Cam Newton, RG3, Russell Wilson, and Colin Kaepernick that comes down the pike, there is usually “that other guy” who rides the wave into a high draft pick and does his best to let everyone know that mobile quarterbacks aren’t always a good bet. Tampa Bay’s quarterback Josh Freeman is a prime example of this. Other examples include Tim Tebow, JaMarcus Russell, and Vince Young. TAAAMPAAAAAAAA………BAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY…….

tampa_bayThe Ugly: The Buccaneers had the absolute worst logo in all of sports, along with the absolute worst uniform color scheme in sports history. It would be different if they were the Bucks. At least a stag is kind of manly. No one gives the Milwaukee Bucks shit about their logo.

But these Buccaneers are “THE BUCCANEERS.” Pirates? No, too generic. Raiders? No, too violent. These are THE BUCCANEERS! You know, leather vest-wearing, frilly cuffed, long perm-haired Count of Monte Cristo BUCCANEERS. Remember how stylishly phoo-phooey Johnny Depp was in the Pirates of the Caribbean series? The Buccaneers are worse.

If that isn’t enough, the Buccaneers braved creamsicle orange as an actual uniform color. It’s a half step away from leopard-print.

The Fans: The Buccaneers don’t have many fans, so it’s hard to judge their fan-base. I went to a game at Raymond James Stadium, and still don’t know much about Bucs fans because the stadium was filled with Eagles fans (which happened to be the team they were playing.) The reason there were so many Eagles fans (who bought up all the good tickets that were supposed to be available to me) was because the Buccaneers organization held a sale on tickets because they didn’t want THIS game blacked out. Why? Well, it happened to be the 10th year anniversary of the Super Bowl championship team, and they were going to have Jon Gruden, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Alstott, the whole crew from that team inducted into the Ring of Honor during half-time while they ran around the stadium with the Lombardi trophy.

It was the anniversary of the greatest memory in Tampa Bay football history… and they had to sell tickets with exorbitant reductions to fill the stadium, not with Buccaneers fans, but Eagles fans. This city should be ashamed.

Fun Fact: Following the uniform change in 1997, the Buccaneers did not wear the old, puke orange uniform, even during popular league-sponsored “throwback” games, until 2009. I guess they got the memo.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).