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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Carolina Panthers Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Carolina Panthers

Record: 7-9. It’s a slow improvement from being 6-10 the year before that. If you factor in that Carolina lost to both the Chiefs and Bucs last year, they’ve improved even more so. Maybe the Panthers will get into the playoffs before Steve Smith retires.

The Good: Cam Newton is still an elite mobile quarterback. Analysts constantly called Cam’s stats from last year a sophomore slump. Sure, he threw 30 times less, had 182 yards less in passing, 2 less touchdown passes, and 6 less touchdown runs, but he also had 5 less interceptions and a few more running yards. He’s doing what Michael Vick didn’t do until after jail: learning the game of football.

The Bad: Cam seems to have less and less to work with as his NFL career continues. Their running backs are based on who survives the preseason, but don’t worry, Cam can run the ball. His receivers are untested or older than my father, but don’t worry, Cam can run the ball.

The Ugly: The Panthers have their own martial arts expert as part of their backfield, Haruki Nakamura. Maybe I’m stereotyping, but I can’t shake that karate scene from Unnecessary Roughness out of my head.



The Fans: This is Jacksonville Jaguars territory all over again, probably because the Carolina Panthers were “that other expansion team.” The NFL decided to split up Falcons and Bucs fans, thus creating two expansion teams that football fans couldn’t hate…yet.

It took a while, but the Panthers have made their fans as miserable as any other NFL team.

Fun Fact: The Panthers have already lost a Super Bowl, which puts them ahead of not only the Jacksonville Jaguars but the Houston Texans, Cleveland Browns, and Detroit Lions. CONGRATULATIONS!

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).