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NFL Asinine Analysis 2013: Cincinnati Bengals Preview


In the NFL, no team is perfect…except for the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Everyone knows that because everyone talks about the legend of Don Schula and friends cracking open champagne when the last undefeated team is defeated…EVERY YEAR. But that’s beside the point. Our Asinine Analysis of the NFL is here to give some teams’ fans hope, and other teams’ fans a face mask penalty back into reality.

Check out our take on other teams here.


Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Record: 10-6. Two consecutive playoff appearances, followed promptly by two consecutive Wildcard losses to the Houston Texans. AW! And to think Ohio would have something to be proud of.

The Good: Andy Dalton is still the greatest active ginger quarterback in the NFL. Red Rocket still has A.J. Green to throw the ball to and BenJarvus Green-Ellis to hand the ball off to when his freckly arm gets tired.

Add that to a defense that doesn’t quit unless it’s the playoffs, and the Bengals are well on their way to a 3rd consecutive playoff loss in the Wildcard round. I know, I must be some sort of pick guru or something. You can tell by my 11 year old car and my Swatch that I’m rolling in the dough.

Norv Turner, Marvin LewisThe Bad: Somehow, some way, the Bengals are destined to collapse. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it happens over and over again. The Carson Palmer years merely led to disastrous playoff bombs. The Andy Dalton years are eerily familiar. Maybe gingers just aren’t Super Bowl material visually. It could be some color scheme issue that will force NFL fans to collectively stop watching football because they see red. CONSPIRACY! 9/11!

The Ugly: Marvin Lewis is STILL the coach of this team. You’d figure a decade of underachieving would get him kicked out the door, but no! Not in Cincinnati! I think Norv Turner is prepping a “reverse racism” chant in Cleveland.

The Fans: Ohio takes a lot of shit from the rest of the country that’s north of the Mason-Dixie Line, but Cincinnati seems to be above the rest of Ohio. It’s as if they are an island of intellectuals and aristocrats in a sea of erratic bourgeois. Do I sound snobbish? It’s because I’m thinking of Cincinnati.

Then again, it could just be a false representation of the city brought on by watching too many episodes of WKRP in Cincinnati.



Then again…maybe not.

Fun Fact: Pacman Jones was arrested this summer for hitting a woman. At least we don’t have to worry about the Cincinnati Bengals getting soft. They are tied with having the most players arrested since 2000, although this incident may have put them over the top.

About Author

Patrick is a self-proclaimed NFL analyst, critic, and lampooner, but he has also been known to provide commentary on baseball, basketball, hockey, MMA, and even cricket one time when he was delirious. Patrick is also a major homer when it comes to sports teams in his home state of NY, although he reserves the majority of his mockery to those teams. His heartbreaking teams are the New York Jets (football), New York Knicks (basketball), New York Islanders (hockey), Long Island Lizards (lacrosse), and evens it all out as a fan of the New York Yankees (baseball).